Imposing fear in discipline is extremely effective in altering the behaviour of children, and it can often be tempting to use threats, manipulation and coercion to discipline kids. And that's because fear and guilt bring about quicker results and, as parents, we barely have the patience to deal with children any other way. But relying on the grace through Christ, we can love and discipline our children just as our Heavenly Father loves and disciplines us.
I don't want to say that domineering parents have it all wrong because neglectful parenting is also as bad, but that doesn't mean that driving too much fear can be healthy for child growth. I'm not a parenting expert and neither do I have decades of experience in parenting, but God's word is very clear to us in Ephesians 6:4:
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Other translations would use the word exasperate in exchange of provoke. To exasperate means to manipulate or provoke a reason for rebellion. That's exactly what fear and guilt-driven discipline with a lack of affirmation and nurture brings about.
Now, fear is not all that bad. In fact, fear is a good thing if handled in the right way. Our children should be afraid to do wrong things. They should be afraid of the consequences of sin. But fear is limited in that it cannot do what love can do, which is change the heart. 1 John 4:18 tells us, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
Fear is a great tool, but it's also a tool that, just like any other tool, can often be misused and abused. If there's one thing children should be afraid of, it's the consequence of sin, but never in any way should we provoke them to fear us because that will always lead to the point of exasperation.
Jesus shows us this best when He wins us over with His love. While He is never slow to rebuke and discipline, He is always quick to show grace as a means of transforming our hearts. The gospel is all about good news changing our hearts, not bad news scaring us out of hell. The same applies for our children. As much as we teach them to fear the wrong thing, we lead them into the love of good and the love of Christ, not into guilt and condemnation.
