What should you do if your husband admits he's watching adult content?

What should a woman do if she discovers her husband's watching p**n – and whose responsibility is it to put things right?  

P**nography has become an epidemic in modern society and churches aren't immune from it. But one campaigner on the issue ran into a social media firestorm when he and his wife offered some advice.

XXXChurch pastor Craig Gross sent out an email with a hypothetical question to women: "What would you do if you caught your husband looking at adult content?"

In the email, Gross' wife, Jeanette, goes on to offer suggestions as to how women should respond in that situation, though she answers a different question to that which was originally posed, in which the husband confides to his wife that he has watched p**n, rather than being caught in the act.

Immediate emotions are likely to be betrayal, mistrust, self-doubt and anger, she says, "and these are normal feelings".

However, she then goes on to add: "What you do from this point with those emotions will set the tone for the rest of your marriage. Good, Christ-filled men are trying to do what is right when it comes to lust and their visual nature.

"Your husband wants to honour you, but God has wired his brain so differently from a woman's that it is a constant struggle.

"Please take heart that he actually came to you before getting caught – he is trying to honour you and make things right."

She tells women: "Your job is NOT to withhold sex from him, to question his integrity in all areas of his life, to play detective or police his every move, to not forgive him and always punish him, to shut down and put up a wall, to think it's your fault."

Instead, both parties must be open and honest with one another, seek counselling and pray for their marriage. The wife is to "understand [her husband's] visual nature... [and] to extend him grace", Gross says.

"Divorce is not an option, and it never should cross your mind... You and your husband can get through this and wind up even stronger than you were before."

The email drew significant criticism on Twitter, where commentators said it was misogynistic and infantilised men.

Natalie Collins, a gender justice specialist, said she was "utterly furious" to receive the email, which she says was unsolicited.

Speaking to Christian Today, Collins said: "Telling women how they should respond to the very personal and traumatic experience of finding out their husband has been watching and using images of women in a degrading manner... is absolutely outrageous".

She criticised the email's failure to distinguish between the different scenarios a woman whose husband is watching p**n may be in. "There will be lots of women whose abusive partners use p**nography as a way of further degrading or damaging them," she said.

Her main critique, however, was that the email focuses on how women should "fix" their husbands' issues, rather than on men taking responsibility for their actions.

"Gross talks about women talking with their husbands 'about what triggers him to look at adult materials', as if it's the wife's job to fix the problem. It's a societal and a Christian cultural thing to blame women... the dominant narrative is that it's the woman's responsibility to fix this... being made responsible for fixing something she's a victim of."

She warned that it could "feed into the narrative that women should fix their partner's abuse", especially given the email's assertion that wives should not withhold sex from their husbands, or even consider divorce.

"To suggest that women who withhold sex are doing so to punish is to reinforce myths about women, and that whole narrative is very problematic," she said. "Women have a right to say no to sex for whatever reason, and Gross is speaking into a context in Christian culture where that is not well understood. It's deeply irresponsible."

Collins was particularly dismissive of the assertion about male and female brains being wired differently, a theory espoused widely in some Christian circles.

"[It's] absolute nonsense," she said. "It's very well understood in the neuroscience community and among experts that the brain is plastic – there's neuroplasticity. That means that there's no such thing as hard-wiring in the brain; everything is shaped by our environment.

"It's not surprising that men are seeking after visual images of women when the majority of images men do see of women are as sexual objects. So there is a real issue with men being socialised to perceive women as objects."

Believing men were hard-wired to respond to visual stimuli was "blaming God for men choosing to use p**nography", she said.

The dangers of a narrative that blames women for the actions of their partners are two-fold, Collins added. It reduces men to "visual creatures" who are unable to control their urges, and fails to acknowledge women's victim hood.

"It's in no way compassionate, kind, gracious, or loving towards women. The whole focus is on what men need, which is so damaging," she said.

"P**n reduces women to a way to service men, and that's exactly what Gross is doing in that email."

Craig Gross has defended the email, telling Christian Today; "This is my wife willing to understand the visual nature of men. It's not giving men a free pass. We have a son, so my wife's trying to understand how guys see the world, rather than women."

He insisted the email had never intended to put all the responsibility on women, but rather to guide them in how they might respond if their husband admits to having a problem with p**n.

"I can't tell a woman, and no one can tell you how to deal with this situation. Every situation is different. It can lead to cheating and abuse, and there's a drastic difference there. [But this email was aimed at marriages where] there were no signs that this was happening, he wasn't abusing you, and it took you by surprise that he was looking at p**n."

He admitted that both men and women can be considered "visual", but insisted: "It's proven that guys brains are wired differently. Men are more visually stimulated.

"We're not making excuses for men, we're just trying to explain to women that if you don't have a male brain, you don't know."

Both Collins and Gross were clear on one thing: p**nography is something that needs to be talked about, especially within the Church.

"There's some learning to do on both sides [both men and women]. There's a severe disconnect on this," Gross said.

"You can see the frustration just by the comments on this piece – this is a very volatile issue and people are needing help and advice on how to get through.

"If we just avoid it, nothing good can happen. You're going to see so many more couples struggling when you're not pointing them to any resolution...This is about how to get things out into the open without it backfiring."