I've had a lot of correspondence over the years from mothers complaining about their husband's mother – for many the mere mention of the words "Mother-in-law" is emotive.
Not all Mother-in-laws are the same – they come in very different guises. Some are fantastic, sensitive and caring, others interfere too much or not enough. It is the same with daughters-in-law – there are great ones and then there are the overly demanding ones, the mean ones or the ones who reject offers of help.
So what can you do if you struggle with your mother-in-law? I would say the key is to be united with your partner. Talk together about the best way forward, find a solution together that you can both agree to and then support each other in it. This is true of all family and in-law relationships – it really helps if the two of you are on the same page and can make decisions together.
Here are a few other suggestions of things that might help:
1. Be kind. She is your wife's mother and while she may or may not become your friend, she deserves your respect. She did give birth to the person you love which counts for something – doesn't it?
Remember that one day you may be a mother-in-law; so try thinking about how you would like to be treated. Think the best of her, focus on the things she does well, show your appreciation and try not to speak badly of her in front of the children – if you have them.
2. Be curious. Put yourself in her shoes whenever possible. Ask her about her life, her history, her hopes and disappointments. Discover how she found being a mother and compare notes on how things have changed. If you are an older mother or if you have to work full time (and she didn't) explain what it is like, as she may not appreciate the different pressures you experience.
3. Be pro-active. If you have children – involve her in their lives. Most grandmothers want to feel included but not "used". Keep her up to date with their developments and achievements. Send photos, texts, and pictures from the children and invite the grandparents to school plays and special occasions.
4. Be clear. Don't fight her on everything but stand your ground on the issues that you feel most strongly about and then give her free reign on the rest. One woman who wrote to me remembers her mother-in-law giving her children jam sandwiches and cake for tea, "I disapproved but the occasional jam tea never did anyone any harm and I didn't mention it."
Try not to leave her to guess what kind of help you would like, let her know but always give her the option to say "no".
5. Keep forgiving and remember to say sorry yourself. Many daughters-in-law react badly when they feel controlled or judged. If that happens to you don't simmer in silence or rant at your husband. Instead chose to let it go or if you can't, gently explain to her how her words or actions made you feel.
Ask God to help you to forgive her when you need to. You might also want to ask for patience when you are feeling frustrated. Pray for new ideas for how to connect with her better.
6. Remember you are on the same side. You may have different methods and opinions but deep down you both want the same thing – for your husband to be happy and for your children to be loved, looked after and given the best start in life.
Sarah is Abell is an author and relationships coach. Her passion is helping people live, love and lead more authentically. You can find out more at nakedhedgehogs.com
