We are part way through National Marriage Week and during these last few days, I've been thinking about what marriage means to me.
As I married a boy I met in my church youth group 21 years ago, people can often assume we've got the perfect marriage. But marriage always has its challenges and ours is no different. We've been through periods of long separation due to working hours, and another separation due to my own fear of trying to make things work, but God – and my husband – have been totally faithful throughout it all. We are still standing now because of them.
We've certainly been through some crazy adventures (and one of the biggest surprises for me was when he became a pastor – I didn't sign up for that!). So as I think about Marriage Week, for me it's a time to consider and celebrate the great things about being attached to someone for the bulk of my life – but I also want to debunk some of the myths about what marriage is.
I have my best friend with me, always rooting for me
This is so important to remember in the harder days, as one of the most precious things about marriage is that we get to partner with our closest friend. We learn to stick by each other and stick up for one other whatever comes our way. Remembering, and cultivating, that friendship is what will get us through the worst, as well as the best, of days.
Marriage is hard work: we need to recognise and get rid of unrealistic expectations
This is the clichéd comment that people say to dewy-eyed newly-engaged couples to try and inject some realism into the equation, but it is nevertheless so true. I went into marriage with such fairy-tale expectations and spent years beating myself, and my husband, up about the fact that our marriage wasn't like the perfect ones I'd read about.
The reality is there are so many moments where we just have to roll up our sleeves and work hard at being married. We don't just get to float along on a happy cloud all the time just because we've 'found our man'. Marriage doesn't automatically mean constant joy, peace or happiness – there are moments of great disappointment. There will be times when it all seems to be uphill and difficult, but it is during such moments that we learn to remain constant.
Marriage can so often hold up a magnifying glass up to the faults in each partner. When we first fall in love everything about the other person seems to be amazingly wonderful: when we start living with them the reality of the fact that they are only human after all hits.
My husband does not 'complete me'
The saying goes (often in fairy tales) that we need to find our perfect partner who is simply out there waiting for us, and that we are only complete when we have found them. That is such an unhelpful myth, and it can perpetuate those who are single feeling like lesser people. The truth is we are only complete in Jesus. We aren't a 'half person' waiting for the other half to make us into a 'whole'. We are our own people, with our own callings from God on our lives. In marriage we just happen to get to team with another person – and often they do back us up by being strong in areas we are weak in (isn't that great?). Marriage isn't about one person having to give up their calling in order to help the other fulfil theirs; it's about spurring one another on to be all that God has designed us to be.
My husband is not God – nor should I be viewing him as such
When I was first married I looked to my husband for things that I should be looking to God for. So it wasn't surprising that I was soon disappointed. Somehow I had come to view my husband as my sole spiritual leader and thereby washed my own hands of responsibility and expected him to do certain things that he wasn't able to because he was working so hard in a recording studio (he shouldn't have been doing them anyway). I had to learn to lean on God for all things rather than expecting my husband to somehow fulfil God's role in my life.
My husband needs me to encourage him
The 'five love languages' is a concept that is now widely known – it's about learning the way you receive love best and learning to give it in the way your partner likes to receive it too. (There's gifts, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service.) I am a 'doing' person so my husband can tell me he loves me till he's blue in the face but unless he shows me I don't fully believe him. But for him words of affirmation are the biggest thing. They are pretty low down on my list so I've found it really hard to cultivate this as a natural part of the way I show him love. However, I've seen how he literally changes when I do say encouraging things – he seems to walk taller and be more relaxed. It's definitely worth making the effort to champion your partner whenever you can.
Having fun and resting are important aspects of marriage
As working married people, with children and with a church to lead, the list of responsibilities we carry seem almost endless. All too often we can find our catch up times are simply focused on issues either with our children or with church people or situations. But it is necessary for us to make the time and space to do fun things. I'm not a particularly spontaneous person but in this season of our life particularly I've come to really appreciate those moments where we look at each other and decide to do something completely different to what we had planned.
When I am desperately looking for my husband to change, I am looking at the wrong person
This little nugget of wisdom has caused me no end of strife over the years, but that's mainly because it has forced me to look at the less than pretty aspects of my character. It is said that opposites attract, and, even though we have so many similarities because we spent our teenage years growing up together, my husband and I are definitely opposites in a great many areas. That means we complement each other, and work well as a team as we each strengthen the other's weaker points.
However, there are regular moments when his opposite approaches really niggle me. I can moan at him about them, tell him he needs to change and plead with God to change him. And yet, deep down in my heart, I know that it is my attitude that needs to change. Praying to be soft towards your partner is a dangerous prayer to pray as it often entails a painful process for yourself, but I'd say it is a vital one. Humility and malleability are such necessary qualities within marriage.
Our marriages need both God and community
As couples we aren't totally self-sufficient. It goes without saying that we need God at the centre of our marriages in order for them to flourish. But I also believe that we need good friends beside us too, who will encourage and support us, be there for us in difficult times – but who will also have the courage to challenge us. When we went through a particular rocky patch we learned the hard way how damaging it can be if one partner desperately feels the need to share and be supported by others while the other doesn't want to.
I know it is a generalisation but I do think men find it harder to open up, and I also don't think they need to chat about these matters as much as women – but, as long as the people we talk to are agreed upon beforehand, and that what is said is said sensitively rather than divulged in a gossipy manner, then I think sharing certain things with close friends strengthens rather than weakens our marriages.
I also believe that our communities (in society but also within our churches) need marriage too. We all need each other: married people need singles and singles need married people as we are all part of the incredible tapestry of God's family and He instructs us to love and care for one another. Marriage also gives us a wonderful picture of Jesus' relationship with His bride – so whether you are married or single today, surely that's something worth celebrating.
