As #NationalMarriageWeek Begins, Here's What I Learned On 'The Dating Course'
Yesterday marked the beginning of #NationalMarriageWeek. It's also one week till Valentine's day, which means many may have love and relationships on the brain. For many of course, that means this week is also a bad time to be single. Who needs a hashtag and a week of lurid love-themed festivity to remind them that they're completely alone?
It just so happens that over the last few weeks Holy Trinity Brompton church in London has been running The Dating Course. The course describes itself as "for anyone who is single or in a relationship who wants to explore how to date well." Why can dating, especially for Christians, be so hard? How can we do it better?
Joseph Hartropp had a chance to attend the course, partly for journalistic purposes, but also because he's having a terrible time with online dating and doesn't want to be alone forever. Here's what he learned.
You might meet someone
I rather enjoyed the Dating Course. I'll admit, the thought of it did not thrill me at first. As with most things in life, my Mum practically forced me to go.
"You might meet someone!" she declared, as she actually says anytime I think about leaving the house.
A gathering involving many Christian guys and girls talking about love and dating does sound like it might feel just a little awkward and intense. When I arrived, I was welcomed with the song "Marry That Girl (I'm Gonna Marry Her Anyway)". Not intense at all.
To give credit to the course, they addressed the awkwardness early on, and immediately sought to put people at ease. The course speaker, HTB pastor Will van der Hart, is friendly, funny, and full of genuinely refreshing insight. Here is some of what I learned from the course.
Lets (not) talk about sex
The well-attested Christian preoccupation with sex and marriage was addressed immediately. Mercifully, though surprisingly, van der Hart made it clear that we wouldn't be talking about sex and marriage. They can be unhelpful distractions, he says. There is however, "an assumption that those who come want to share their life with someone." So, we can accept the fact that we're all here because we're looking in the direction of long term commitment, without ringing wedding bells every time we mention the possibility of a date. It's a thoughtful, much needed dosage of what they call "chill". I appreciated that.
Define the relationship?
Van der Hart had fun exploring the different definitions we can give to dating. Hanging out? Seeing each other? In an intentional relationship? When does "dating" begin? There comes a time for every couple when one must "define the relationship", or #DTR. The course used a definition coined by van der Hart: "Investing in an attractional relationship with a view to determining its suitability for deeper commitment."
It doesn't exactly roll of the tongue, and it sounds a little bit like dating as imagined by an unfeeling robot, but is actually quite good when you think about it. What might stand out there is the word "attractional". Van der Hart was keen to emphasise that attraction is both godly and important. You're allowed to find someone attractive, and for looks to play a role in that. Of course, true attraction hopefully runs deeper than just ticking off a visual checklist (or swiping left or right on Tinder), but it's also okay to not be physically attracted to someone.
It's not you, it's me
Dating is about you and another person, but the "you" part is quite essential. The course reminded me how much our approach to dating will be so bound up with our own insecurities. One crucial point made was that you mustn't see dating as a fix for your own insecurities. If you have low self-esteem, that won't be improved by getting into a relationship. In fact, dating and relationships will only aggravate your insecurities as they place you under the spotlight, and you find yourself confronted with your own character.
Although Hollywood, and often Church culture, can place great emphasis on finding a relationship to make you happy, it's important to remember that dating cannot "fix" you. Everyone is broken, and marriage is just two broken people getting together, still being broken.
Van der Hart said that getting "date ready" is about establishing self esteem, not expecting the date to be your source of confidence. He warned us to avoid disastrous clichés such as "you complete me", and "I couldn't live without you." It's Christian faith, and the profound value of identity in God, that gives you the self confidence you need.
Dating isn't biblical
Dating isn't biblical! That may surprise you! It's an obvious but crucial point: dating is nowhere to be found in the Bible, nor in human history, until sometime in the 18<sup>th century. Most marriages in human history have been arranged ones, and dating, van der Hart says "is what happens when you have to arrange your own marriage." Instead, he said, we can use Biblical principles as we date and relate, such as emphasis on character formation. For example, Van der Hart invited us to make certain promises to ourselves as we date. "Honour every person that you date, and leave them better off." I like that. I envisage a sort of benevolent Casanova, though that may not be what he meant.
Not 'The One'
Christians were reminded not to overspiritualise dating, or use God to manipulate one's partner. You can forget the classical notion of "the One", which van der Hart described as "a set of chains that weigh you down", binding you with the paralysing fear that you haven't married your true magical counterpart. In general, we were warned never to say "God told me I'm going to marry you," an approach that ends up using the divine as a cruel tool, in a way that's almost impossible to argue with.
Keeping it real
The sessions (I went to two of the three) were thoughtful in their embrace of the awkward humanness of dating. The last session took on crucial questions about when you know it's time to really commit to a relationship for the future, or why and how you might go about breaking one off. It reminded us not to expect perfection from a relationship, and to be prepared for hard work.
The course balanced secular and biblical foundations well, in a way that recognised the essential value of Christian faith, without feeling like an exclusive Christianese sermon.
The course is a great idea, was excellently done, and is set to return in the Autumn. I might even be a little inspired by it all. Now I just need to go on an actual date.
You can follow @JosephHartropp on Twitter.
