What do you do when you meet new people? Do you try to impress them or connect with them?
I tried an experiment when I took to the stage to give a talk on 'failing to relate authentically' at TEDxBristol. After walking on boldly (or as boldly as I could feeling inwardly nervous), I spent the first minute or so telling the one thousand people in the audience about my various accomplishments. Then I stopped. I walked off, re-entered and started again.
I introduced myself once more. This time I mentioned some of my failings, fears and vulnerabilities.
At the end of the second introduction I paused again and asked the audience to raise their hands if they felt more connected to me after my second attempt. The majority of hands went up. I asked them to raise their hands again if they thought I was on some kind of smug, ego trip with the first. Again, nearly every one's hand shot into the air. You can watch it here if you want to see if it has the same impact on you.
The results from my little experiment didn't surprise me. When I edit who I am to only include the impressive bits I'm erecting a barrier and failing to let people see and know who I really am. As a result they are unlikely to feel connected to me.
But that is what so often happens in our personal lives, at work or even in the church. We can become so focused on protecting our image and putting our best foot forward, that we don't show up as our real self. We then fail to engage and connect with our friends, colleagues or those in the congregation.
Failing to relate authentically is a failure we need to take seriously. That is because authentic connections are key to so much in life: great leadership, good parenting, deep friendships, lasting love, successful companies, strong communities and emotionally-healthy churches.
We are created to connect – with God and with others. It is what humans are designed to do.
In Matthew 22:37 Jesus tells us about the two greatest commandments. The first is to "Love God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." The second is to "Love your neighbour as yourself."
Authentic connections happen when we allow ourselves to be truly known and seen by another person and when they do the same with us.
They are the kind of relationships that most of us long for because they meet a need that exists in all of us to belong and be accepted for who we are.
Sadly however, they are also increasingly hard to come by in a society that celebrates fame, perfection, and instant satisfaction.
Given the choice many of us show up as we think others want us to be, or as we think we should be, instead of as our true self.
When we fail to relate authentically it is because we are choosing to value protection over connection.
Over the last 20 years or so I've read hundreds of books, conducted research and watched those who are better at relating authentically than me.
I've noticed certain characteristics in those who build great connections:
- They are prepared to be vulnerable.
- They are comfortable in their own skin.
- They share their feelings, fears, challenges and hurts.
- They listen without getting defensive or attacking.
- They allow others to be themselves.
- They invest time in others.
- They admit mistakes and apologise.
- They don't blame, shame or attack others.
- They take responsibility for their behaviour and reactions.
- They are present with the person in front of them.
- They don't put unrealistic expectations on themselves or others.
I don't think any of us would manage all of those things all of the time because none of us is perfect but I've found it a great vision to aspire to.
If you can be the most authentic version of yourself and allow others to be the same – yours will be a church where people don't just survive, but thrive.
Sarah Abell is the founder of nakedhedgehogs.com and is passionate about helping people live, love and lead authentically. If you want to discover how authentic you really are – you can take her free quiz.
