Christian men must overcome their fear of disapproval and take greater responsibility in their churches, families and communities, the chief executive of the Coalition for Marriage has said.
Speaking about biblical masculinity, Tony Rucinski warned that harmful male behaviour was not confined to anger and aggression, but could also include remaining silent when something needed to be said. Specifically, he challenged men to speak truth in the face of "darkness".
"The Church is bereft of men who will say the right things at the right time," he said.
Discussing ‘toxic masculinity’, he said the term was typically associated with aggression and anger.
"But actually ... toxic masculinity can also be silence. It can also be not saying what you should say," he said.
The biblical model, he argued, is a man who recognises his strength, brings it under control and uses it for godly purposes.
Referring to Jesus’ description of his followers as the salt of the earth, he questioned whether Christians were fulfilling their responsibility to resist moral decay.
He argued that churches could be guilty of prioritising harmony at the expense of biblical convictions. Drawing on James 3:17, he said the passage placed purity before peace, whereas Christians sometimes reverse that order.
"The problem in the Church these days, especially among some of the men, is that we switch those two words around so that peace and harmony becomes the priority at the expense of biblical purity and doctrinal purity," he said.
Rucinski said fear of criticism could also prevent Christian men from addressing difficult issues. Courage requires a willingness to live with other people’s disapproval, without becoming unpleasant or deliberately seeking confrontation, Rucinski suggested.
"If you can live with the disapproval of others, you will discover a superpower," he said.
Rucinski was addressing the annual conference of the International Foundation for Therapeutic and Counselling Choice, held in Poland at the weekend.
Drawing on the biblical teaching that God gives a spirit of power, love and self-discipline rather than fear, he argued that Christian masculinity should combine strength with restraint and a willingness to serve others.
He acknowledged that these qualities applied to women as well as men, while challenging male delegates to consider how they were putting them into practice.
His call to courage was accompanied by an emphasis on humility and sacrifice. Following Christ, he said, meant being prepared to serve others at personal cost.
"How much am I really willing to serve other people sacrificially?" he asked.
"This is serious stuff. And this is at the heart of Christianity."
Rucinski also challenged men to develop a clearer sense of purpose, asking them to consider what vision they had for their families, churches, work and wider lives.
Spiritual maturity requires deliberate effort, he said, encouraging delegates to identify three specific areas in which they needed to grow rather than settling for a general desire to become better Christians.
Prayer and Bible reading are essential to that process, he suggested, even if starts with only a few minutes each day.
"Do you have a quiet time? Do you have a time, even if it's two minutes a day, when you spend time in God's Word and you talk to Him and you ask Him to teach you from His Word?
"It's absolutely essential that you do that. If you want to grow muscle, you must eat protein. It's impossible to develop muscle without it. And similarly, if you want to grow in grace, you must chew on the word of God. There is no way around that, no way at all."
He also stressed the importance of friendship, fellowship and accountability between men, saying growth could involve uncomfortable conversations and correction.
"If we want to improve as men, we can’t do that on our own. We need to find other men to help us improve," he said.
Turning to marriage and family life, Rucinski warned men against becoming so preoccupied with other commitments that they neglect their closest relationships.
"Don’t outsource your soul. Work out what’s important and make sure that you tend to it properly," he said.
He described a husband’s leadership in terms of taking responsibility, enabling others to flourish and accepting accountability when things go wrong.
Speaking about his own challenges growing up, he shared that his mother, who struggled with alcoholism, had died in his arms when he was a teenager and he had never known his father. He encouraged men not to allow what they had lacked in childhood to determine the kind of fathers they could become.
"It turns out being a father is much more rewarding than having a father," he said.
Speaking to Christian Today after the session, Rucinski argued that churches were failing to communicate a compelling sense of Christian purpose to men.
Asked about the appeal of figures such as Tommy Robinson and whether churches should be doing more to engage with masculinity, he said the Christian faith offered something different but churches are not adequately communicating this.
"Men want to be involved in a mission. Men want to be involved in fighting for something good and righteous," he said.
"The Church isn’t giving them anything. It’s soppy. It’s love songs. It’s just not what men want."
He argued that the Gospel’s account of an eternal struggle between good and evil could speak powerfully to that desire for purpose.
Closing his conference address, Rucinski encouraged men to seek forgiveness for past failures and respond to God’s calling.
"It doesn’t matter how rubbish you’ve been. None of that is relevant if you repent and come to Christ for forgiveness," he said.
"Men, the Church desperately needs you to speak up, to speak out, to speak truth to power, to speak truth in love, to be men, to stand up and to glorify Him."
