Picture the scene: you are gathered in a church hall one weekday evening, sitting in a circle made up of bright and beautiful Christian women in their late teens and early 20s. They're talking about how stressed they are with looking, waiting and praying for their potential husbands.
Does the prospect of such an evening distress you as much as it distresses me? Because this actually happened, and when my friend relayed her evening at the young women's fellowship to me I sighed with frustration and resignation.
Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident. From seminars to blog posts, from sermons to conversation, the recurring message seems to be that the pinnacle of Christian duty as a young woman is to be married. The preoccupation with dating, relationships, courting and marriage suggests that this is the most pressing concern for young Christian women everywhere, as if we have nothing else going on in our lives.
Now, I believe it's vital to have conversations about sex, relationships and marriage within the Church. From the moment our brains can process images and sound we are bombarded with ideas about these subjects and many of them are confusing, contradictory and problematic. We do a disservice to young women (and men) in the Church if we do not provide an environment where healthy conversations can be had and our questions and insecurities can be addressed in a loving and open environment.
Often though, this isn't the case. Rather than tackling the unhelpful messages about relationships and sexuality that young women are bombarded with, most types of "young women's ministry" just repackage and redirect the resulting insecurities into more pious forms.
So rather than reading a magazine article that tells you how to seduce your love interest and "keep him coming back for more", young Christian women can read a series of blog posts about being the picture of biblical womanhood in order to snag the man (of God) of their dreams. The underlying issue of the need for validation from men has not been dealt with: we've just been shown a "holier" way of feeding the desperation.
But desperation is still desperation, and the conversations I find myself having or witnessing are depressing. Some young Christian women are the living, breathing embodiment of a Jane Austen novel (and the uninteresting characters at that), completely besotted with the idea of getting married, their conversations dominated by the hypotheticals of marriages they're not yet in and husbands they've not yet met.
Another side effect of this marriage-obsessed focus of "young women's ministry" is that when you are a young woman who is married you can often feel like you've fallen through the fellowship cracks. I've yet to join the yummy-Christian-mummy-club, so I feel out of place sitting in the mothers' and baby room where all the best conversation seems to be had. When it comes to my single peers I noticed the strange distance that appeared after marriage, when the social invitations dried up – as if now I obviously want to stare at the side of my husband's head for the rest of my life.
On the other hand there are the people who only want to talk to you about marriage, as if that's the only interesting thing that is going on in life. I live in the glorious mundaneness of marriage every day, and I really don't want to relive it in detail every time I venture out to socialise.
There's one other thing. I've had conversations with young married women who feel pressure to project the marital bliss expected by their church and their peers. Any hint of letting the smile slip and it's open season, with the wide eyes silently asking "Problems? Already?" As marriage is placed on such a pedestal, any hint of you not being continually enveloped in the throes of nuptial ecstasy is seen as ingratitude – but at the same time, don't be too smug and unbearable or you'll be seen as rubbing it in the face of singletons everywhere. No pressure at all.
There's a balance that needs to be struck. Getting married does not elevate you to some heightened state of Christendom, and dangling it as a bribe in exchange for "purity" does not open up the door to healthy discussion. Framing Christian marriage like this is not only selling fairy tales to single women, but it also implicitly requires their married peers to uphold the pretence as well.
Equally as important is the need for the same eagerness to discuss issues of life that concern us beyond relationships, modesty, courting and marriage. Not only will this make for more well-rounded and fruitful ministry, but also it is often the pressures of these external factors that come to bear on real life marriage – and they will make the difference between a marriage (and a life) of contentment and one of unhappiness and conflict.
Jendella is a writer, photographer and filmmaker based in London. Her work has appeared in The Guardian and also been exhibited internationally. She can be found on Twitter – @JENDELLA – and also at www.jendella.co.uk.
