We all know that forgiveness is important – but what does it actually look like in practice?
If we're honest, it's sometimes extraordinarily difficult.
Yet forgiveness is commanded by Jesus.
Here's what he says in Mark 11v25: "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses."
What is forgiveness?
One of the best definitions I've seen is that it occurs "when we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for them, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them."
The language is slightly dated - it's from Thomas Watson's Body of Divinity published in 1692 - but its truth is spot on.
How can we be people of forgiveness?
Here are some things I have found helpful myself as I've thought about it:
1. Forgiveness starts with God.
As Christians we forgive because we have discovered God's generous forgiveness to us through the cross of Christ (Ephesians 4v32). We can only start to be people of forgiveness in the light of his amazing grace towards us – and a realisation of our deep-seated need for it.
2. Forgiveness is transformational.
I've heard of Muslims who have come to faith because the fact that Jesus prayed "Father, forgive them" for his executioners while dying was so unlike anything they had ever heard before. There are many inspirational stories. Gordon Wilson, the father of an IRA bomb victim, offering forgiveness to his daughter's killers is just one example of how forgiveness radically transforms lives.
3. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling.
Sometimes people think forgiveness is based on emotions, but there are many flaws in this viewpoint, as Chris Brauns highlights in his book Unpacking Forgiveness. I'm not the first person to say that forgiveness does not mean we have to feel good about horrible things, such as the appalling wickedness of abuse.
5. Forgiveness is a process, not an event.
Sometimes we can come to a point of decisively forgiving someone, and that's it. But for many, it's an ongoing process that we have to return to again and again, every time we are tempted to seek revenge or belittle someone who has hurt us. The important thing is we keep on keeping on with it.
6. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
Steve Cornell, a Pennsylvanian minister, writes: "It's possible to forgive someone without offering immediate reconciliation... In many cases, even if an offender confessed his wrong, the offended person could justifiably say, 'I forgive you, but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship'." Often that will take a lot of time – and will be dependent upon a real awareness by the offender of how much they have caused hurt and pain. Otherwise, any attempt at reconciliation is likely to falter.
7. Forgiveness does not mean offenders shouldn't face sanction.
God forgives our sins, but he still disciplines us. We may not face eternal separation from God but we still face earthly discipline from Him. For example, in Hebrews 8v12 God says of believers that he "will remember their sins no more". And yet a little later we also read that "those whom the Lord loves He disciplines". Likewise, we might forgive on a personal level someone who has committed a crime against us, while still believing it right that they face a loss of liberty in prison, in the hope that they themselves can be reformed while others are kept safe.
8. Forgiveness is only fully effective when an offender is truly repentant.
John Piper says: "When a person who wronged us does not repent... they cut off the full work of forgiveness. We can still lay down our ill will; we can hand over our anger to God; we can seek to do them good; but we cannot carry through reconciliation or intimacy."
I love this prayer from devotional writer Scotty Smith: "Lord, like most days, today we'll experience difficult people and disappointing circumstance, challenging relationships and unplanned interruptions, personal limitations and repeat offenders. Father, it's our desire to respond with mercy and grace, as opposed to reacting out of irritation or indifference, malice or manipulation. So we look to you – rather, we abandon ourselves to you, and the power of the gospel, and the ministry of the Spirit. May the words of our mouths, fuelled by the meditation of our hearts, reflect and reveal Jesus. And when they don't, grant us quick repentance and more grace." Amen!
David Baker @Baker_David_A is a former daily newspaper journalist now working as an Anglican minister in Sussex, England. The Rough Guide to Discipleship is a fortnightly series.
