Another celebrity marriage, another celebrity divorce. I don't normally take notice of the showbiz sections of newspapers but there is something about the story of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their six children that makes their break-up somehow personal. As a father of six myself, like them with three birth children and three adopted, I feel for the difficult challenges this will bring to every member of the family. It's hard to see the dissolution of a family that has stood against violence against women, challenged global inaction on the refugee crisis and opened their home to children from some of the world's most troubled nations.
According to court douments, Jolie is seeking physical custody of all six children. Although we don't know – and indeed may never know – the full story, parenting a large, blended, cross-cultural, multi-ethnic and adopted family is a challenge. In our own family we can sympathise with some of the challenges, although we cannot claim to know anything about the added pressures of living in the constant spotlight of global celebrity status. Furthermore, as director of a charity that works with adoptive, fostering and blended families, I recognise the challenges to marriages and parenting when it comes to vulnerable children. When Jolie first started adopting children transnationally there were some criticism of her motivations and the best interests of the children.
My charity is working alongside local and indigenous adoption movements around the world including in many parts of Africa and Asia, where local Christians are being encouraged and supported to adopt children from orphanages and the foster care system. This is because it is not just more cost-efficient to care for the children in this way, but it seems to be in many cases extremely beneficial for children to stay in their home cultures wherever possible. Nevertheless we are keen to support all adoptive families in the UK – wherever their children are from originally – recognising there are substantial ongoing pressures that come from early childhood trauma, poverty and dislocation.
In our work seeking to inspire and encourage adopters and foster carers, sadly we have come across quite a number of marriages that have come to an end where the adoption is reported to have played a part. One couple I know involved an ultimatum from a partner to choose to proceed with the adoption or to save the marriage. In her case she felt compelled to prioritise the needs of the children in her care. I have met other couples who remain together for the sake of the children but blame adoption for the effective breakdown of their marriage. However in most cases I know of, adoption has been an extra bond in the marriage as both spouses enjoy working together for the sake of a child from a very difficult background.
You might be surprised that an adoption advocate is talking about these difficult situations, but I believe too many people have an overly romantic view of adoption. Cute films like Annie, Despicable Me and so many others, portray adoption as a fairytale 'happily-ever-after' storyline. Perhaps it is healthy for potential adopters to see that life is much more complicated than that. It is both a mixture of some of the most difficult and wonderful experiences parents will ever know. Going into adoption with your eyes wide open is important because children who have already had the most difficult start to life will be better served by those that have realistic expectations.
As Jolie now seeks to bring up six children as a lone parent, like all single adopters she is going to need support, not judgement, encouragement not criticism. I have come across so many single women who are brilliant parents to their adopted children. Indeed many adopted while they were single because they realised they could be the best parent a child might ever know, and that it is so much better that a child has one parent able to provide ongoing love, support and help than have no parents involved in their lives at all. This is why I will pray for Angelina, just as I will pray for Brad and their six children.
