I absolutely love weddings. I loved my own and I have loved pretty much every other one I've been to – with the notable exception of the one where along with the other second-tier guests I was herded into a dark marquee with no chairs or refreshments for the full hour the main reception overran.
However, that was a rare aberration. In my book, weddings are up there as one of my all-time favourite ways to spend a summer Saturday. I love dressing up; I love the romantic optimism in the air; the defiant faith of the outrageous vows; I love seeing old friends and making new ones; I love the free food and the champagne cocktails; I love the arty touches stolen from pintrest and the familiar traditions weaving the day into the tapestry of history.
But I have a hunch I may be in a minority and I know for sure there are those of you out there who shudder every time you walk past the embossed cards on the mantel piece, so here are my top tips for turning your fake camera smile into a beam of genuine joy the next time a wedding.
Wear comfortable shoes
Many a good wedding has been ruined by blisters and aching feet. Men: I entreat you – don't have any shoes you only wear on smart occasions because they will never have a chance to grow kind and friendly to your feet. And women –only wear high heels if you can do so without pain. I think high heels are going to be one of those things women of the future look back upon aghast, in the way we now view extreme corseting or foot-binding.
Take supplies
There are certain bits of kit that help a wedding run smoothly. You will need to adapt this list to suit your personal requirements but to get you started, I suggest tissues for tears and hay fever, baby wipes – for which there a thousand possible uses including cleaning away bird poo on outdoor seating, de-stickying your hand after the flower girl has given you the cake icing she's realised she doesn't like and wiping off the red wine the tipsy usher spilt on your (comfy) shoe, a jumper because you will be cold on the way home if the wedding is in England, and a bottle of water.
Worship wholeheartedly
Weddings services are about God as much as about the couple. Marriage was God's wonderful idea and He deserves to be praised on this happiest of occasions. I find that the whole event becomes a profound spiritual experience when I'm choosing to worship the creator of all that is good.
Reflect on the meaning of marriage
Weddings are the perfect opportunity to think about the kind of marriage you have (or, if you would like to be married, the one you want). What have you learnt about the meaning of love over time? How have you honoured and cherished one another in sickness and health, in want and in plenty?
Get 'lost' between the church and the reception venue
This is where all the awful hanging around happens. I'd suggest taking a detour along a country lane with a rug and finding somewhere to have a sneaky nap.
Eat as many canapes as you can
Food is served at funny times at weddings, but in my experience the meal always comes long after hunger hits. I've learnt to stock up on any nibbles on offer on the basis that there is no knowing when more food might appear.
Release your inner evangelist
Everyone loves a good story, and a wedding is a perfect opportunity to tell some new people about how God has shaped your life. Be alert for the rabbit-in-the-headlight expression of the person who really doesn't want to know, but otherwise go for it. This is the bride's cousin Brian not yours, so what do you have to lose?
Talk to the oldest person you can find
Elderly people can get overlooked at weddings but they are the people with the best store of useable anecdotes about the couple, they are often wise, hilarious and blunt, and it is rare to find someone who has lived the best part of a century without doing a few significant or surprising things. The key is asking the right questions.
Dance!
A wedding is one of the only occasions grown-ups can have a good bop. Finish on a high with a good energetic spin around the dance floor and you'll feel better for it I promise (unless you've ignored my first bit of advice and you're wearing masochistic footwear).
So there you have it: all you need to survive as a wedding guest. And if all the strategies in the world don't change the fact you hate every second, I'd suggest you send a generous gift and your apologies in advance – they are not spending £55.50 on you for you to sit there hating life.
Jo Swinney is an author, speaker and editor of Preach Magazine. She has a Masters in Theology from Regent College, Vancouver, and lives in South West London with her vicar husband and their two little girls. joswinney.com
