Conflict is inevitable and normal in any relationship but what is important is how you handle it. Your relationship is more likely to fail if you allow certain kinds of negativity to run rampant through your arguments.
Psychologist and marriage researcher, Dr John Gottman, believes that there are four types of destructive communication styles, which can be potentially lethal to any relationship. He calls these "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." These are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Most couples will experience their presence at some point but if you want a relationship that lasts it is vital that you don't allow them to take up permanent residence.
Gottman is able to tell whether a relationship will succeed or fail with 94 per cent accuracy by watching a couple for just three minutes during a conflict discussion. He uses the metaphor of the horsemen to describe the negative communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. The good news is that antidotes do exist for those who want to keep the horsemen at bay.
Criticism: Criticism involves attacking your partner's character rather than focusing on the particular behaviour that bothers you. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame. Talk about your feelings using 'I' statements and then express a positive need. For example, "I hate clutter and feel stressed when the kitchen is a mess. I would really like it if you could keep the counters clear."
Contempt: These are statements that come from a place of perceived superiority. These might include using sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery or hostile humour. The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation and respect.
Defensiveness: When you are defensive you will do things like deny responsibility, make excuses or trump the complaint with one of your own. When you are being defensive it is hard to tune into what your partner is saying. The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if it is only for part of the conflict.
Stonewalling: This is when you simply refuse to respond and check out of the conversation. It often happens when you feel overwhelmed or 'flooded' with negative emotion. When this happens on a regular basis it can be damaging because you are pulling yourself out of the relationship rather than working out your problems. The antidote is to practise self-soothing. Let your partner know you are feeling overwhelmed, take a break but return to the conversation once you feel less emotive.
One thing that separates happy couples from miserable ones is the balance between their positive and negative interactions. Gottman talks about the 5:1 magic ratio. If you want to have a relationship that thrives not just survives, make sure you have at least five positive interactions with your partner for every negative one. It reminds me of the wonderful advice we are given in Colossians 3:12-14 – make that a reality in your marriage and you can't go too far wrong.
'Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.'
Sarah Abell is a writer, speaker and coach. If you want to discover how authentic you are take her free quiz on her website www.nakedhedgehogs.com.
