Many of us are curious, desperate even, to know the secret to long-lasting love. What is it that helps couples remain happy and healthy together over time? We all have our ideas about why certain relationships work and why others don't and one ingredient that comes to mind when we think about the successful bond between two people is communication. Good communication tops the list as the key factor time and time again in responses provided by everyone from researchers and relationship experts to couples whose unions have stood the test of time and those whose haven't. So how can we develop the communication skills necessary for building better relationships?
We communicate with more than our words. Our body language, how we prioritise our responsibilities and what we devote our attention to all play a part in how we convey messages and emotions to one another. But the words we speak often have the most powerful impact on those they're directed to. "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark," James 3:5.
Only say it if you mean it...
Telling someone you forgive them when you're still holding a grudge can lead to a pattern of indirect hostility. Researchers have found that this can be harmful to relationships and cause them to deteriorate. In a similar way, saying "I love you" when you're not ready to commit to the meaning behind those words can lead to a break down of trust, among other things. Successful communication isn't about telling your partner what they want to hear, it's about being honest.
...And make sure you say it if you do
"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones," (Proverbs 16:24). Sometimes we try to avoid vocalising our reconciliation because we know that both parties have moved beyond the incident but the words we withhold can have as big an impact as the ones we do say. Voice your forgiveness for your partner if you do truly forgive them for something you fought about previously, and let them know you love them. Equally, tell them you're sorry if you know you need to apologise for any wrongdoings or something you said or did that hurt them.
Don't shy away from difficult issues
It's impossible to have a deep and authentic relationship with your partner if you only ever talk about the good stuff. Nothing should be out of bounds but we should be considerate and compassionate in our approach to conversations about sensitive subjects.
Written words count too
The words we say can be misinterpreted and this prospect is even easier when we interact with our partners over text, email or social media. Just as our audible words have lasting effects, so too do the words we use when communicating to our other half or about them. Thinking carefully about how we phrase what we want to say and considering whether it's something better said in person can help avoid unnecessary conflict.
Don't forget to listen
Listening isn't simply about waiting for your turn and thinking about what you can say to counter their argument or express your own opinion. Take time to understand where your partner is coming from so that your response shows concern and empathy. Reacting by asking further questions instead of jumping straight in with a formulated reply will enable you to better comprehend what your partner is feeling. As we read in James 1:19, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
