I had six hours to get my head in order before a gorgeous man drove up the Interstate to romance me. We liked each other but our values were bipolar. I was saving myself until marriage. He... less so. The closer the ETA got, the closer I was to questioning if I could avoid the temptation which was, quite literally, about to land on my doorstep.
It is in these sexual emergencies when I reach out to my spiritual mentors. At 34, I've chosen these fathers with strategic precision. Inspiration aside, I picked them because you will never hear them utter words like:
'Ensure you place an aspirin between your knees.'
As if this would banish the Eros swirling throughout my brain as I face a handsome millionaire who has just promised me the earth – if just for one evening.
These anecdotes, these 'pearls of wisdom' are hardly going to manage the trick are they? As far as I knew, Aspirin was acetylsalicylic acid – a remedy for headaches, not a physical boundary to avoid inappropriately attempting to procreate.
But oh how we Christians love a catchy phrase to keep us on the righteous path. The more I hear these cheesy lines as methods to keep us far from the 'sexual lane' I'd like to raise the question: just how helpful are they?
I propose we look at these fabulous gems, one line at a time:
'Don't touch what you haven't got'
An appropriate piece of advice, particularly for heterosexuals. However. Starting a sentence with the word 'don't' will immediately provoke the teenager, desperate to find their own adolescent freedom, to U-turn and deliberately play risk. Choices are more respectful; but don't we need to answer that more intriguing question: 'Why not? Everyone else my age is? What harm am I doing?'
When your motivation is control, Dopamine could volcanically erupt in the mind of a young adult, projecting them from playing Patta-Cake to foreplay. Being trusted however, is a harder bond to break.
Creating an environment, which starts with questions, one that guides someone into thinking their own consequences will better arm the individual to find a journey of self-value, rather than self-sabotage.
Throw them a surface level demand, and the deeper you'll have to go when they've purposefully tested the lines of control.
'Don't do anything with someone who is only going to turn out to be a sister'
Nothing like the threat of post-incest to keep you straight on the purity track. I appreciate the attempt to trigger the awareness of consequences, but it doesn't confront the reality that we are all wired with hormones, a sex-drive and these bizarre feelings we call 'love'.
We're not attacking the real issue: the fact that they are biologically wired to have sex, why they should truly wait, when they may be infatuated, or want to 'rush to adulthood' via the means of adult activities like sex.
'Who is going to want to buy the cow when you're giving away the milk for free?'
The line insinuates that sex is valuable, not a commodity to get our sexual needs met, therefore it isn't counted as valuable if you're giving it away to anyone. There needs to be a little fight, a little commitment, a little 'I do' in the mix. The value of covenant has never before been so profound, yet somehow we've resorted it to cow's milk and the cost of cattle.
And if it's not cattle, we're being compared to fast food:
'Your spouse would rather be given a whole pizza than a couple of slices and some leftover crusts'.
Or chocolate:
'No one wants a half unwrapped Mars Bar'
Or a Labrador:
'Keep Four Feet on The Floor at all times'
Then there are the preventative methods in the heat of the moment, like having a cold shower:
'Never Underestimate The Power of a Shower'
That's it – wash away your hormones and your sexual desires with some Cowshed products.
Then there's the 'healthy' threat of reactionary murder:
'If you have sex before marriage, I will kill you'.
We are yet to explain why you would want to kill a kid when they are so marinated in their own testosterone.
So many of these soundbites demean a person with shame, with distrust, motivated by a controlling fear that disconnects the very person we're trying to love. In order to gain an understanding from the generation to come, we need to make ourselves understood. Christianity was not meant to be centered in moralism, but in relationship with God. Sexuality is not to be suppressed, but to be noted. Something in ourselves is yearning to express itself. The deeper question should be why.
For an era where we have more freedoms than ever before, we've never been so poor at managing them. And a quick quip will not replenish the soul but suck it out of any life at all.
The millionaire? From his arrival to exit, we talked for hours and from the amorous fumbles of my past, and with hope in a good God, I knew I could wait for real commitment. Adhering to guidelines created by an entity that's been a father for a very long time. The great designer gave us guidelines for a reason, and it's this reason that we must highlight. Instead of detoxing an alcoholic's fridge of Carlsberg, it's better to work out why he wants it in the first place.
The complexity of sexuality is too brilliant to ignore, too ferocious to condescend and too fundamental to hope an aspirin will suppress it. Religion is so 1980. To embrace 2015, means we need to start delving a little deeper into Christianity, pulling out the real weapons of freedom: compassion, conversation, with one, mess-loving, agape smile.
