Divorce is a big deal for anyone – perhaps particularly for a Christian. This is just one perspective on how one person dealt with 'getting divorced' by trying to assimilate it into the ongoing journey of faith and God's work in us.
The first emotions and steps can be the most difficult as you come to realise the path ahead is not the one you signed up for at the altar. It can be incredibly difficult to face friends and family – especially church family – as you imagine a sense of judgment, shame, failure and blame.
But the church family is also the most likely place to find non-judgment, love, understanding and compassion. My church family were kind, thoughtful, warm and embracing (a weekly tonic of hugs, smiles and prayers) – and if anyone felt or thought differently, it didn't reach me.
Despite this weekly fellowship, divorce can be an incredibly lonely and confusing period of time as you separate from your closest worldly companion and navigate the tricky waters of financial disclosure, consent orders and child maintenance. As you begin to picture how your life will now function, it's easy to think you're alone. Be reassured, you are not.
For practical, worldly support, look through the latest statistics, check the bloggers on Mumsnet or the support groups on Facebook and be comforted that you are not the only one. You'll be encouraged to find other men and women with similar stories to tell.
However, what is unique to you is your personal journey through the process and how you choose to manage it. You can take control and responsibility for your own behaviour in situations where someone else may be behaving out of character or hurtfully.
This, for me, is where God came in. I found three key ways to make sure that God was in control during this challenging time: prayer and petition, leaning more deeply into him, and finding forgiveness.
Prayer
Firstly, I can honestly say that I prayed my way through the divorce process, as did my friend and prayer partner - she even prayed during mediation or lawyer's meetings. This was alongside praying for reconciliation - hoping for the best possible outcome of staying together, but also having to prepare for the worst and engage in the process.
Prayer simply enabled me to get through an incredibly tough process emotionally. I continually had to remind myself that only God can see the bigger picture.
Leaning into God
With God as our guide, we can choose to lean more into faith and ultimately into a closer relationship with him. The harder things are, and the less we can see a resolution for ourselves, the more God invites us to put every anxiety into his hands. (See Proverbs 3:5-6: 'Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.')
As only God understands our hearts and our hurts intimately, only he can heal those places perfectly. So if we invite him to join us every day, in every decision, through every pile of paperwork, in every meeting, we can hand the whole process – the stress, the anxiety and the outcome – to him. If we trust that decisions have been prayed over – and with justice for all parties as the focus – we can begin to let go of any negative feelings as we go through the process.
Divorce so often leaves everyone scathed. Guilt and regret can follow when all the papers have been signed and new lives begun. But this isn't the only outcome when we put Jesus at the centre.
Forgiveness
It's hard to be honest and look at our own culpability and responsibility, but as a marriage is a partnership, both parties could be responsible for contributing to the great times and the bad times. (Remember Luke 6:42, 'first take the plank out of your own eye'?) If you're going through this process, perhaps take time to consider if you need to take responsibility for misunderstandings, unkindness or lack of love and acknowledge it to yourself, to God and if possible by an apology to your ex-partner. This way God will be able to free you through forgiveness and healing.
By bringing God into both the practical work and the personal pain, you can be confident that your decisions are being made with his guidance. Try not to revisit decisions as time goes by – remind yourself that God was with you and he knows your needs for today, and tomorrow.
As a personal example, including God in my divorce helped me to stay outwardly calm with my partner and I think that's helped my children to have a really good relationship with their dad – helping them to be as emotionally stable as possible and making sure that he feels welcome in their home.
For whatever tough situation you may be facing, by fully inviting God to guide us with his wisdom and justice, you will also experience his amazing grace that over time enables good things to come out of dark places.
Some practical top tips
1. Cry! This can be difficult but if emotions are kept too tight, they can't be processed and God really does want to heal these deep wounds. Tears can help with frustration, anger, feeling powerless as well as with grieving. As Martin Smith sings, 'Catch every teardrop, then you will catch me too.'
2. Sleep! There's a lot to think about during divorce and the quiet end of the day is when thoughts catch up and sleep can be elusive. I'd take a nap in the middle of quiet woods (waiting for my dog); slip back into bed when my kids had gone to school; and nod off in the car waiting for their bus.
3. Pray 24/7: as above, get closer to God – invite him in and learn how to lean on his strength and wisdom, and experience his love.
4. Practise good communication skills!
4.i When you have crafted the perfect email or text, do re-read it and try to remove unnecessary adjectives, delete any accusations or witty point scoring and then your message can be clear and fact-based, possibly even helpful and progressive.
4.ii Once you have sent the perfect text, leave it alone! Ie don't send any more or get into a 'text tennis match'. If you want them to read and respond to your carefully-crafted points, you can make sure it's the last thing in their inbox.
4.iii You could decide to ignore messages that are unhelpful or untrue. Take a breather between communications and let any dust settle - you don't have to be the one speaking without thinking. This does also help if it appears that they hold all the aces and you are feeling powerless and pulled about.
5. Decide how much to tell your friends: We all need our friends and God really can support us with comfort and wise advice through the people around us. Different friends can help with different aspects of the process. All I'd say as a note of caution is that if there are ugly aspects and behaviour, only share that with very few people. Somehow, by not speaking badly and widely about others, you do also protect your own dignity and integrity. This may not always be easy or even possible but is worth some thought.
6. Be patient: it's so very difficult but there is a blessing in how long a separation and divorce can take. You have time to adjust to a physical and emotional absence. Be patient too in the practicalities: facts and truth and justice will rise to the surface in the long run.
One day when you look back, you'll see that justice can be for both of you. It might be hard to believe, but God's grace is for your partner too.
Louisa Lockwood is a writer and editor.
