I used to say grace before every meal. I stopped, though, when I realised it was more a habit response than a heart response: I figured I needed to recapture the sense of grace in my grace.
I used to pray with my children every single night. But I stopped when they began to resent the intrusion into the private empire that was their bedroom: I figured they were old enough to pray for themselves now.
I used to pray a blessing before every car journey. It fizzled out when the Sat Nav arrived and it took my allotted prayer minutes to find the postcode and the signal: I figured God knew I wanted to get from A to B safely anyway.
And so it is that my children hardly see me pray any more. Having been inspired by Paul in his letter to the Ephesians to find ways and times to bring prayer back into my family life, what is it that I should be praying for?
If ever there was a man who could argue he was too busy to pray, it was Paul. He lived at high velocity defending the gospel, planting churches, and writing theology all while constantly on the run from people who were trying to kill him. But Paul didn't simply pray – he urges, instructs and models to the rest of us how we should pray, too. In prison in Ephesus Paul prays big, bold prayers not for his own liberation and release from prison, but for his friends. Paul pens a typical prayer of his for the Ephesian church, a congregation he planted at great personal risk such that he had to escape from the city after a post-sermon riot broke out. Paul's prayer taught me six lessons about how to pray for my friends and family:
1. Ask the Father to give us humility
God is not our servant and prayer is not our Amazon wish list. When we pray, we are not commanding God. When Paul prays he does two things to underline this. Firstly he kneels, a physical sign of submission to a superior power. Secondly, just as Jesus instructed us, he addresses God as Father. In the ancient world the father was the head of the family and by calling God the Father "from whom every family derives its name", Paul is emphasising the ultimacy of God's authority and the importance of God's honour. If we are able to physically kneel we should do so when we pray to our Heavenly Father, beginning our prayer by asking for the humility to pray with God's purposes and desires as our first priority.
2. Ask the Spirit to give us strength
Paul has not been able to visit Ephesus since the riot that his preaching kicked off. For his friends in the city, Paul asks for the Spirit's power to give them strength not in numbers, nor in physical resources, but in their inner person. Paul prays that this strengthening of the Spirit would give them inner transformation – a changed character, a new resilience, and a fresh dose of conviction regarding all things that he goes on to explain in the rest of the letter. Perhaps our prayers for friends and family too often focus on healed bodies and changed circumstances. Paul teaches us to pray for the Spirit's power to be unleashed in the conversion of character and courage of conviction.
3. Ask Jesus to give us maturity
It might seem odd to pray for Christians that "Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith", but I can think of two good reasons why we should. Firstly, I can see no harm in praying for someone to know Christ as the resident ruler in their life, whether or not they're already a Christian. Secondly, Christ's residency can take place in phases. Yes we can be converted in an instant, but the implications of our conversion is an ongoing process – we grow in depth and maturity in our Christian faith throughout our lives. Jesus' residency in our lives works at a pace that is not domineering or dominating, allowing us to grow continually more connected to him. Let us pray for our friends and family that Christ would live in their hearts, like air lives in their lungs. Let's pray that they would know in increasing measure the privilege of Jesus' presence.
4. Ask for their minds to be blown
A mathematician asks her daughter to try and imagine the concept of infinity by thinking of the biggest number she possibly can.
"How about ten billion billion billion?" answers the little girl.
Her mother replies "what about ten billion billion billion and one?"
"I was so close, just one out" says the little girl.
Trying to imagine the infinite is mind-bending to all of us, not just young children. In fact Paul says that we are going to need supernatural empowerment and the help of a whole church to be able "to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge." I love a good paradox. Paul says for us to try and grasp the dimensions of Christ's love is going to take a miracle but no matter how much we know of it there is going to be more of it that we don't know. The infinite God, loves infinitely. Paul prays that his friends know something of the scale of God's love as this is absolutely vital for their spiritual development. If we are going to resist the temptations of this world, face suffering and persecution, and obey God's commands till our dying day there is no substitute for glimpsing, even incompletely, the proportions of God's love for us. As we pray for our friends and families, let's pray that their minds never grow tired of grappling with the riches of God's inexhaustible love and that their hearts never grow weary of knowing this love that surpasses all knowledge.
5. Ask for their dreams to be bigger
I sometimes get frustrated that my teenagers would rather spend time sleeping in late than exploring the world, or that they choose to be on social media rather than out with their mates on adventures. I want to open their eyes so they realise there is so much in our world to discover and experience. Paul prays for his friends in Ephesus: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory". Paul wants to shatter the boxes that his friends have placed God into; the limits they have put on what is possible with God in the equation. Paul wants his friends to know that God knows no limits, that even our wildest dreams pale in comparison with what God is capable of. William Carey, the pioneering missionary to India, once said: "Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God." As we pray for our friends and family let's ask that God blows their minds open to His great power, that we all might seek to do great things for God's glory.
6. Ask for their lives to be impactful
My daughter thinks I want her to be an astronaut. It may have something to do with a T-shirt I once bought her, or the fact that I ask her every couple of days if she has applied to NASA yet. I am not trying to live out my own dreams through my children, or overload her with unrealistic expectations, or send her as far away as possible to the outer reaches of the galaxy. I want her to know that her career choices do not have to be restricted by her gender. I want to smash sexist glass ceilings and for her to know that even the sky is not the limit when it comes to her dreams and aspirations. I also want her to do what God has called her to do. As Paul prays for the Ephesian church he ends with an inspirational long-term high-flying request for them to receive "glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen". Paul wants to shatter glass ceilings, too, as he reminds his friends in Ephesus of the scale of what God is doing. The kingdom of God is not going to collapse or fail – it is the assured future of the universe. And we can be part of that as we are called to be faithful in our generation in order that other generations will be blessed forever into eternity. We can pray for our friends and family that in their career choices, their family planning, their life strategies and their future goals, God's enduring kingdom will be central in their decision making.
Praying all these things for my friends and family makes me realise something else. I need these things in my life, too: humble submission to God the Father, empowerment within by the Holy Spirit, the residency of Jesus in my heart, and a bigger, truer and bolder vision of how to love and serve God with my mind, dreams and life. Why not take some time now to pray through Ephesians 3:14-21 for your friends and family and for yourself?
Rev Dr Krish Kandiah a contributing editor to Christian Today, the founding director of Home for Good and an author and speaker. Follow him on Twitter @krishk.
