Unless you're a saint, there's almost certainly someone in your life who just always manages to rub you up the wrong way. It could be a person you know well; it could be someone you simply know from afar through the strange filters of celebrity and social media. I'm not talking about friends with whom you can have the occasional tiff here; I mean those people who you just find consistently irritating, and who help you to realise as a result that you're not quite the all-round kind, accepting and happy-go-lucky guy or gal you thought you were.
They tweet something that's intended to be charming; you react as if they've just threatened your grandmother. You see them at church laughing with a friend; you imagine they're hatching an evil plan to enslave the world's kittens. It doesn't matter what they do, you can't help yourself: they always provoke the very worst thoughts and reactions with you.
If you're anything like me, then not only are you acutely aware that you are this irritating person to many others, but you also know that it's not good to feel this way about someone. Jesus took this subject pretty seriously: in Matthew 5:23-24, in a section of the Bible commonly (and perhaps not coincidentally) subtitled "Murder", he says:
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."
Interestingly enough, he aims this at the irritators, rather than the irritated, essentially saying, if you know you've provoked someone else, make the first move to repair the relationship. In itself that's a timely reminder to fix the mistakes we make; but I think it also follows that Jesus more simply wants to see harmonious relationships between people. More than that, he wants to see them before we even think about investing in our eternal relationship with God. It's all a bit challenging when you stop to think about it.
So how do we fix these relationships? Especially when part of us really doesn't want to? Here are a few things which might work if we really commit to them...
1. Look for the best in them
When you've started to become irritated by something someone does, it's almost impossible not to become incredibly aware of that thing. So if your housemate talks while he eats, and such a thing is an offence to your nostrils (and eyes, and ears), then you'll soon rebrand them in your head as 'mouthful man', and it'll begin to define your relationship. So instead, try hard to focus on all the good things about that person; the kind things they do; the examples of excellence, selflessness and compassion in their lives. Try really hard to notice something good about them every time you see them; it'll be much easier not to see them in caricature as a result.
2. Pray for them
This might feel like the last thing you want to do, but once you get going it can be incredibly liberating. We tend to pray for the people we love and care about, but in practice the opposite can also be true: we start to care more about the things we pray for. As Pope Francis said, in possibly the most instantly-viral piece of theology ever, "you pray for the hungry, then you feed them: this is how prayer works." When we pray, we don't just enter into conversation; we open ourselves up to transformation. Prayer just makes you a kinder person. I'm sure that won't go quite as viral as the Pope thing, but it's still true.
3. Prefer and submit to them
In a culture of individualism, there's nothing more prophetic than the spiritual discipline of submission; putting the needs and agendas of others before our own. That's pretty easy when we're submitting to people we love and respect; leaders or family members for example; it's an entirely different matter to prefer those with whom we struggle. Yet there's something incredibly releasing about retweeting the annoying pronouncements of a church leader we don't think too much of (as long as it's not heresy); a simple act like that acknowledges that we're not the centre of the universe of the arbiter of good taste. Here's the really strange thing though: when we submit to others, and see them flourish, we feel an unlikely sense of pleasure; a bit like when you eat the least-favourite food you were served at a dinner party so as to avoid offending the host, and end up enjoying it.
4. Understand and overcome your problem
Crucially, if we're going to move past feelings of dislike for someone, we need to get to grips with the reason we don't actually like them. In some cases we know exactly what this is; in others, we only know that they provoke and irritate us. In the former case, there are probably always practical steps we can take (such as unfollowing the person online and only engaging with them in real life), but if it's deeper than that, then we can do worse than to seek out a wise and honest friend who'll help us to truly understand the problem. Sometimes it takes the perspective of a third person, who can look at you both impartially, and see what you can't
5. Get to know them better
Finally, the most painful but productive step at all; spending time with the person. It's a good idea to work through steps #1-4 before you move on to this, but once you have, there's no substitute for meeting and talking it all through. As part of this, it's important that two things happen. First, that we're vulnerable, and acknowledge our own flaws and faults; second that we name the problem, and try to address it together. I tend to think that's what Jesus has in mind in Matthew 5. Of course, this idea might be unworkable or simply fill you with coma-inducing dread, so in that case, just try to spend a bit more positive time around them.
The way we treat and talk about others can have a profound effect on how well we represent Jesus to the watching world. The best way to ensure that we do these things well is simply to ensure we don't let grumbles and grudges fester within us. So here's the simple challenge: who are you going to start responding to differently?
Martin Saunders is a Contributing Editor for Christian Today and the Deputy CEO of Youthscape. Follow him on Twitter @martinsaunders.
