Ever feel guilty about reaching for that chocolate bar or packet of sweets? Then have I got some Good News for you! The endlessly resourceful world of Christian subculture manufacturing has been hard at work, developing a range of confectionery that might only be a moment on your lips, but will spend a lifetime on your soul. So banish those feelings of guilt; may I present the Christian-themed confectionery items that are good for you, even when the contents aren't...
Fish mints
I know it's a brand, not a description, but it's hard to get past the horrible imaginary taste that the phrase 'fish mints' conjures up on the tongue of your mind. The tin includes a solitary Bible verse, which seems a bit miserly; one can only imagine that it's the one about being 'fishers of men' (Matthew 4:19). Also, does anyone know what 'Intense Wintergreen' flavour actually is?
He lives! lollies
That's right – the most sensational, earth shattering couplet of words in the history of humanity! On a lolly. Or more weirdly, on a scarf, on a cross-shaped lolly.
Jelly bean prayer
This, proclaims the packaging, is the jellybean with meaning. Well thank goodness for that; I've been meandering through a lifetime of meaningless jellybeans until this point. Apparently these beans accompany a well-trodden US kids prayer activity, where different coloured beans represent different doctrinal statements. "White is for a clean heart – when in Jesus we believe; Gold is for the streets in heaven, promised when Jesus we receive," and so on. One can only hope they're not also flavoured along the same lines, otherwise those "red for Jesus' blood" beans are a sure fire way to become the least popular kid in the playground.
Verse chocolates
One of a number of products which tie confectionery and scripture together in a single package, this shiny verse chocolate is a perfect way to share your Christian faith after dinner. Or to subliminally suggest to diners in your Indian restaurant that GOD IS WATCHING as they decide how much to tip.
Testamints!
Easily walking away with the best title Oscar, this range of scripture-wrapped mints and gums also gives us the killer tagline: Powerful Fresh Breath, Powerful Message. Also the official slogan of Joel Osteen.
Bible bar
I mean, who can't name the seven foods of Deuteronomy 8:8? And who can resist them? The Bible bar is the confectionery snack that takes your boring old cereal-based bar and dares to add pomegranates, figs and olive oil. It's Bibleicious!
(It's also Kosher-certified AND rainbow-emblazoned, so it's hedging its bets a little bit.)
Jesus candy canes
Everyone's doing origin stories these days. Batman, Superman, Wolverine, and now the humble candy cane. This product wrestles the tree-decorating favourite back from coffee chains and the sorts of secularist monsters who want to make Christmas all about Santa, and explains that the original candy cane was colour-coded to refer to the blood of Christ and the virgin birth, and shaped in a J for Jesus. Although the fact that the tin then sets the whole story against a backdrop of a Santa-style Christmas stocking is the sort of irony that would make Alanis Morrisette cheer.
Cross pops
Get to work on this one, metaphor fans. With this pocket-money treat, you get a suckable crucifix lollypop (just pause on that for a moment) AND a bag of fizz-on-your-tongue popping candy. It rather seems to trivialise the fact that the cross was an ancient instrument of torture and capital punishment; you'd hardly give children a dippable electric chair lolly. Although ironically that would fit pretty well with the popping candy...
Bible gum
Sometimes the best gags are the simplest. Frustratingly, this one falls down on the fact that it ISN'T bubble gum; just regular old chewing gum with a Bible verse in the wrapper. I'm sure it's delicious, but pun fans won't be able to look past what feels like a massive missed opportunity.
Promise seeds
I don't really know what these sweets, which come wrapped in a biblical promise, are meant to be. Little pastel-coloured rockets? Tiny bullets? From the title, one might hazard a guess that they're meant to be seeds, but they might also have something to do with that sheep on the packet. Maybe they're tiny multi-coloured lamb poos? Anyway, that's not the important thing here: JESUS LIVES!
Sweetest name I know tin
This gift tin from 'Jesus: Sweetest Name I Know' (the Hershey's of the Christian candy world) is perfect for hiding in your car's glove compartment. Then when you take on a hitch-hiker, you can pop it open, have a good laugh together at the pun, and lead them to faith. If they don't seem compliant, simply employ the central locking and try again more forcefully. A plan with no drawbacks!
Walking with Jesus sandals
Perhaps the most tenuous sweet snack on the whole list, these sandal-shaped jellies are only really Christian through the wording on the packets and the association with that footwear's most famous proponent. The same sweets are allegedly also sold in different packaging as "Walking on the Beach", "Letting your feet breathe on a hot day" and "Dress like a Hippy".
Fruit of the spirit gummies
They're made with real fruit juices; there are pictures of fruit on the packaging, and most excitingly of all, they are themed around the Fruit of the Spirit – barely any leap of logic required! Each miniature pack is fronted with a verse describing one of the biblical 'fruits', such as Joy, Goodness and Faith. Be careful about who you hand out those 'Longsuffering' and 'Temperance' packs to however; someone might take offence...
Martin Saunders is a Contributing Editor for Christian Today and the Deputy CEO of Youthscape. You can follow him on Twitter: @martinsaunders
