1. I didn't get a service sheet. Who's the preacher?
2. I hope it's Claire. She's hilarious.
3. And brief.
4. Ok, reading first.
5. Colin. Interesting choice. Lovely that we're prepared to use a man with serious hayfever do this.
6. Nahum! Or was that a sneeze?
7. What page number Colin? What page number?
8. Throw us a bone Colin. Nahum 3?
9. Another sneeze?
10. Alright, contents page it is.
11. Surely I have looked at this page more than any other.
12. Ah! Found it!
13. OK Colin, you've got this.
13. If I hold the Bible in front of my face it might act as an umbrella.
14. Come on Colin.
15. Yes!
16. What a lovely story of triumph over adversity.
17. And only four verses.
18. So who's preaching then?
19. Come on Claire.
20. Funny, fast-paced Claire.
21. Ah.
22. Brian.
23. You see, this is why you should look at the preaching rota in advance.
24. Ok Brian, I'm going to give you another chance, even after what I'm going to call "The Genealogy Incident".
25. It's fine. It wasn't THAT long.
26. Who needs to eat Sunday lunch when you can just roll straight into tea-time anyway.
27. Ooh. Lunch.
28. What shall I have?
29. I could get one of those pre-cooked chickens from Tesco.
30. Am I allowed to go to Tesco on a Sunday?
31. I never really know. I think it's OK as long as no-one else from church sees me there.
32. I think I've missed Brian's first point.
33. I'll get my notebook out. This will help me focus.
34. Or at least make it look like I'm listening.
35. So Brian. Nahum.
36. Nahum.
37. I suppose if you see someone from church at Tesco, you're both in the wrong aren't you?
38. So maybe you just smile. Or ignore each other.
39. Nahum.
40. Ah, the chap next to me is making notes. I can copy down point one from him.
41. So far he's drawn a picture of a monkey in a bishop's hat. Odd.
42. I'll try the woman on the other side.
43. Ok, can't quite read it...
44. Something, something our something blood
45. What... something cities of blood?
46. WHAT ARE OUR CITIES OF BLOOD?!
47. Oh no, did I shout that out loud?
48. People are staring at me.
49. Look studious.
50. I definitely shouted it out.
51. Maybe they'll think I'm a Pentecostal.
52. Better seal the deal and shout something out.
53. AMEN!
54. Ok, people are looking again.
55. I'll just nod sagely and make a note.
56. What did I just "Amen" to?
57. Let's have a look at the PowerPoint.
58. "Bodies without number, people stumbling over the corpses – all because of the wanton lust of a prostitute".
59. Not really an Amen moment then.
60. Alright, come on, time to pull this together.
61. Brian has worked hard on this, and he deserves my attention.
62. Pre. Cooked. Chicken.
63. No, seriously listening.
64. Oh no, that droopy eye thing is happening.
65. Must... keep... eyes... open.
66. This is just like being back in double physics.
67. Must stay awake.
68. Must... stay...
69. YARGH!
70. Definitely fell asleep for a moment there...
71. ...and then snorted when I woke up. Everyone's looking again.
72. Nod and make a note.
73. I think he's just made a second point. Something about galloping horses.
74. Will write that down.
75. And accompany with small picture of horse.
76. I wish Brian was a bit more animated. More like Claire.
77. Maybe he could just look up from his notes occasionally.
78. The guy next to me is asleep! I am no longer the least engaged person in the room!
79. And Brian is on to his third point! Home straight, people!
80. I can practically smell the chicken.
81. "Beware the mistress of sorceries."
82. What? You're supposed to be preaching, not playing Dungeons and Dragons.
83. This sermon sounds like it was much more interesting than I gave it credit for.
84. Wish I'd listened now.
85. Who is the 'Mistress of Sorceries' in our community? Who indeed Brian?
86. Brian I don't think you're allowed to suggest it's the local MP.
87. This has just got uncomfortably political.
88. Is someone going to stop him? No?
89. Ok, final three points.
90. Think about our cities of blood, beware the galloping horses, bring down the mistress of sorceries.
91. Got it Brian.
92. Hmm. How am I going to apply that in the week ahead? A fine question.
93. And this is the final story...
94. No...
95. There's one more point to make, and then...
96. Nope.
97. This has got to be it. His voice is getting lower.
98. IT IS FINISHED!
99. Pre-cooked chicken, get in my mouth.
Martin Saunders is a Contributing Editor for Christian Today and the Deputy CEO of Youthscape. You can follow him on Twitter: @martinsaunders
