An ex-boyfriend once told me that self-deprecation looked good on me. Years later, it's become an art form, and I know I'm not alone. We all tell ourselves things that we wouldn't even think about saying to others.
There are plenty of self-help books that tell us to be kind to ourselves, and that we have to love ourselves if we are to love others. Perhaps that's something that has to be moderated, but self-hatred certainly doesn't reflect how God sees us, nor is it particularly productive. Here are seven common inner monologues that need to be changed:
1. You're a failure. So often we jump from making a mistake, or not doing something particularly well, to thinking our entire existence is one of failure. But when would you ever tell a friend that there was no hope, or that they were pointless, if they'd tripped up? Instead you'd say mistakes are inevitable and something to be learned from. You'd extend a little grace to them. You'd remind them of all the ways in which they're brilliant. You'd encourage them to dust themselves off and have another go...
2. You're ugly. The things we say about ourselves in this regard are hideous. Ranging from the general ('I'm too fat/skinny/short/tall') to the extraordinarily specific ('my knees are weird', 'I hate my arm hair'), it's relentless, and it's horrible. Often we fault our appearance and assume that makes us unlovable. When it becomes entwined with our emotions, it's not about constructive criticism – an honest appraisal of our BMI, for example – instead it's a routine destruction of our sense of worthiness. One antidote is to remember that it doesn't matter as much as we make out. It's such a cliché, but lovely characters become more lovable regardless of what they look like.
3. No one cares about you. It's a Saturday night and you're sitting on the sofa eating leftovers having quality time with the cat. Cue major pity party where you think that you're the only one not having a jolly time, that you don't have any friends and that even the cat is only there because it's raining outside. But before you go there, think about what you'd say to a friend who'd had a similar night. Would you catastrophise? Would you assume that their lonely weekend meant they were destined for a long and friendless life? Then don't do it to yourself.
4. You're not working hard enough. This is one of those situations where nothing will ever be 'enough'. In most jobs now there is always another email you could send, another task you could tick off... Hours get longer, emails get checked at home, and it becomes harder and harder to feel like you've earned the right to stop. And yet, when we see our friends working like this, we're the first to snatch the iPhone out of their hands and prescribe rest and wine.
5. You're nowhere near as good as... Comparison is a killer. We will almost always come off worse in this tussle. Sometimes we can think that it's healthy competition driving us forward, but it often comes from an unhealthy place. We pick an unrealistic person to compare ourselves to, and then beat ourselves up for not matching up. Would you judge a friend for not having hair like Kate Middleton or producing cakes like Nigella Lawson?
6. You're a fraud. Imagine the scene: You've started new job and you can't escape the feeling that it's only a matter of time before people find out they made a mistake in employing you and realise that you don't actually know what you're doing. It's the same kind of feeling when you're trying to fit in with a certain group of people and you feel you have a flashing light over your head telling everyone you're an imposter. We'd usually respond to a friend by saying "Why on earth shouldn't you?" or "You're brilliant, go for it." Hear that.
7. You're boring. Oh the pressure to say something witty in 140 characters on Twitter, and to look like you're having simply the most fabulous time all the time. Life is not one big rave. It just isn't. Social media has skewed our perception of what's normal and it's also fuelled our comparison habit. Try to enjoy living in the moment; laugh when things are funny, and find someone else who enjoys being boring too (there are plenty out there).
In our household we have three life rules that regularly get wheeled out (pinched from a good sermon): 1. Read the examination question. 2. Keep your eye on the ball. 3. Be kind to yourself.
Although I'm not known for my hand-eye coordination, I usually fail most at the third. What we say in our internal monologue does influence what we think and do, and there are things we say about ourselves we wouldn't say to our worst enemy, let alone a friend. So try to put what you say about yourself through that filter, and be kind.
