In my quest for a diet that works, I have climbed the highest mountain and run through the fields. I'm like a fat Bono who still can't find what he's looking for, but keeps finding burgers. I've tried Weight Watchers, I've managed an entire morning on the 5:2; I lost friends through Atkins-breath and actually put on weight doing a weird French diet full of red wine and chocolate.
Now however, I think I may have cracked the great question of our excessive consumption culture. For I have discovered the weird, wonderful (and largely American) world of biblically-backed diet plans; Christian diets which enable you to pull in a few notches on the Belt of Truth, whilst increasing the size of your Helmet of Salvation. Share my amazement and enthusiasm with this (small) selection:
1. The Daniel Plan
The biggest Christian diet in the world, this was developed by Saddleback Church after Rick Warren started to develop a bad back from baptising weighty congregants. It's based around Five Fs (this will come as no surprise to Pastor Rick fans: he believes alliteration is next to Godliness), two of which are Food and Faith. He will be kicking himself to have missed Fasting. The plan has an initial 40-day (obviously) diet and support group model, where the food is fairly simple, it's all named after a couple of verses in Daniel 1 where the Old Testament prophet rejects the King's rich food and looks healthier as a result.
2. The Daniel Fast
The same idea but slightly different, but when has that ever stopped the Christian subculture? This one is older and a bit more hardcore; really you're restricted to fruit, vegetables and water. Developed by dietician Susan Gregory (and, she claims, often ripped off by others...), it's only 21 days long, and is pursued not just by dieters, but also by those looking for financial breakthrough. Well at least they're saving money on milk, bread and cheese...
3. Daniel's Diet
I kid you not. This one, developed by Australian 'Naturopath and Nutritionist' Philip Bridgeman, "bridges the gap between The Bible, Hippocrates and Today" and unsurprisingly is a fruit-and-vegetable based, low-carb diet plan which riffs off Daniel 1:15-16. It includes five-times-a-day eating and a promise to cure pretty much everything from Insomnia to "Excessive Night-Time Urination".
4. The Moses Diet
It's not just about Daniel, you know. Deuteronomy 32:13-14 tells us that "Moses ate honey, oil, cow butter, milk of sheep, lambs, rams and goats, sheep and grape juice." So thanks to that and a couple of verses about quail, another diet has inevitably emerged claiming the health and spiritual benefits to be had from literally emulating a hero of the faith. Really, this one is about stripping out all the genetically-modified, pesticide-sprayed and refined elements of our diets, and joking aside there's not much to argue with there. Disappointingly the diet has nothing to do with eating frogs, locusts or any of the other things mentioned in the verses about the Egyptian plague.
5. Man's First Diet
Lovers of flawed arguments will relish this theory, which tries to explain why life expectancy has shrunk so dramatically since the days of 900-year-old Noah et al. Man's First Diet suggests that the main reason that we don't still live to 120 as promised in Genesis 6, is that we've started boiling our vegetables and eating refrigerated food. "We have gone way over board" write diet experts Loren and Kathy Schiele, "it's time to return to God's original diet."
6. The Hallelujah Diet
No, its not a weight loss plan which draws inspiration from Leonard Cohen lyrics (although what a dream that would be); this is a 12-week course designed to teach you the principles of eating biblically, based apparently around a single verse in Genesis (now THAT's exegesis). It's promoted by a company called Hallelujah Acres, which also sounds like a fantastic name for a retirement village.
7. The Maker's Diet
This is the work of another 'Naturopath' (anyone else think this sounds like a really healthy kind of serial killer?) from the US, and essentially allows participants to only eat items that are actually mentioned in the Bible. That means plenty of Manna and bread baked upon excrement, but sadly no Reese's peanut butter cups. Presumably when you're on it, you spend your time scanning the Old Testament for a little-known reference to Chicken Tikka Masala.
8. The Weigh Down plan
Finally, perhaps the weirdest faith-based diet involves only eating when you hear your stomach grumble, and replacing your love of food with a greater love of God. Developed by a Tennessee dietician with quite spectacular hair back in the 1980s, Weigh Down doesn't restrict any foods, but seems to frown upon actually eating them. The religious element is all around following the "natural body signals" God has given us to help avoid gluttony.
Martin Saunders is a Contributing Editor for Christian Today and the Deputy CEO of Youthscape. Follow him on Twitter @martinsaunders.
