TV pilot season has come to an end, and while the big networks have picked up a handful of great concepts, inevitably most always get rejected. Sadly that was true of my own attempted venture into the world of television: a moving drama based on the personal and spiritual lives of a group of Christians in a church home group. Unfortunately none of the major networks were prepared to take a gamble on Christian Small Group, but that means I can now release the pilot episode into the world for everyone to realise what they missed...
INT: An average suburban house – EVENING
BRIAN, 45 is flicking through a Bible in an armchair. SUE, 43 is desperately rearranging a bowl of Pringles. There's a knock at the door.
SUE
I'll get that. Quick Brian, put the Mumford and Sons CD on.
Brian reaches to turn on the music from a pile of CDs marked 'edgy Christian'. Sue opens the door. It's TOM and NINA, both in their 20s. They've brought Pringles.
TOM
(nervously)
Hi, Sue? We've been allocated to your small group. Tom and Nina.
SUE
(exaggeratedly)
Hello! Lovely, welcome. Come and sit down, meet Brian.
They do; before Sue can close the door, IAN, 50 has appeared. He's wearing a crumpled shirt and a tie with a fish on it. They don't entirely match. He kisses Sue a little too exuberantly.
IAN
Sue!
SUE
(recovering)
Hello Ian. No Debbie this week?
IAN
Afraid not. She's got a runny tum.
(seeing Tom and Nina)
Ooh, newbies. Hello, I'm Ian. I expect they've told you about me. I'm a bit mad.
NINA
Er... I don't think so.
Ian sits down on the sofa between Tom and Nina. They're both a little surprised and edge to opposite ends.
BRIAN
Ah, I've had another text message Sue. Kieran and Penny can't make it tonight because Kieran's had to work late. Which is a huge coincidence given Arsenal are playing in the Champions League tonight.
SUE
Now Brian, don't be cynical.
BRIAN
...Helen Wicks can't make it because her babysitter has cried off. Conveniently.
SUE
Brian!
BRIAN
I'm sorry Sue. It's just that I spend a lot of time planning...
SUE
You sat down to do it 15 minutes ago Brian. Would you like some Pringles, Ian? We've got lots.
IAN
It's lovely to have new people here. We have a lot of fun in this group Tom. Do you like playing Cranium?
NINA
I love Cranium!
IAN
(ignoring her)
Has anyone talked to you about the men's ministry yet Tom? It's thriving.
Sue realises that Mumford and Sons' 'Little Lion Man' (the one with the big swear) has begun playing. Sue dives full-length across the room and switches it off.
TOM
Yeah... that's not really my scene to be honest. I don't really go in for all that single-sex ministry stuff.
Ian goes a bit red. There is a long and painful silence.
BRIAN
Oh I don't believe it. Hannah and Joel have just pulled out too. Apparently little Jedidiah has been throwing up. Well, we might as well start. Tom and Nina, you'll pick this up but we've been going through Mark's Gospel. We've all read the Bible reading as homework so I won't bother repeating it now.
TOM
That's... fine.
BRIAN
(reading from a small printed booked)
Right, question one. In this parable, some of the seed falls on the path, and is eaten by the birds. What do you think that seed symbolises?
There is another long and painful silence. All four of Brian's participants stare at the floor. Time seems to stand still. The ticking of the kitchen clock gets louder. Eventually:
BRIAN
(flicking to the back of the booklet)
Could it perhaps symbolise the people who don't respond to the gospel?
NINA
Mmm.
IAN
Yes, that sounds right.
BRIAN
Question two. Some seed falls on rocky places, and springs up but then withers. Who is like that in our culture?
IAN
That's us isn't it? We're all the seed. Jesus scatters us.
Brian looks at him. He knows Ian is completely wrong but he can't say anything. There is much more silence. Tom becomes intensely interested in his own shoelaces.
BRIAN
Hmm. I think that's probably given us enough to think about for the week ahead. We're going to do a bit of worship in a minute – Sue's bought a new CD by that Matt Rodman which we'll put on. But before that, it would be good to do some open prayer. Ian, we've been praying for your feet – any improvement there?
IAN
Afraid not Brian. Huge corn still – do you want to lay hands on it this time?
He begins removing his sock.
SUE
NO! I mean... no, that's OK Ian. Let's just keep praying. And Tom, Nina, have you got anything you'd like us to pray for?
NINA
Well, we have been experiencing some real problems with Tom's sister, who doesn't like me very much, but it's very sensitive...
BRIAN
Brilliant! That's one we can really get our teeth into! Sue – alert the prayer chain.
NINA
Er... well we have to be careful, there's lot of people in church who know her...
BRIAN
Sure, sure. Make a note Sue. Also I had a picture this evening of a man sitting at his computer, in the dark, and then the door opened and he quickly shutdown the computer and pretended he hadn't been looking at it. I don't know if that means anything to anyone?
FADE OUT
Martin Saunders is a Contributing Editor for Christian Today and the Deputy CEO of Youthscape. Follow him on Twitter @martinsaunders.
