Simon Thomas, the ex-Sky Sports and Blue Peter presenter who lost his wife Gemma to a rare form of leukaemia, has admitted he has been clinging to his faith 'by one finger'.
Gemma Thomas died in November, three days after first being told she had AML — Acute Myeloid Leukaemia.
In a moving interview with the BBC's Songs of Praise to be aired this Sunday, Simon says he made a series of promises to his wife, including that he wouldn't give up on his faith.
'I was really angry with God and I still get angry at times now,' he tells presenter Sean Fletcher.
'I don't think I'll probably ever really find out why [Gemma died]. But God is beyond big enough to take my anger. He can take me shouting at him. Jesus shouted at him on the cross, 'Why have you forsaken me, where on earth are you God, at the moment I need you most?' And I've shouted at him like that. If Jesus can shout at him, I can do it as well. And he's big enough to take it.'
He admits that he promised not to abandon his faith because he realised how hard it would be.
'I think that's why I promised it that day, as she neared the end. I remember the next day I was sat in our lounge. The sun was streaming in. I said "God I will not forsake you. I'm not going to give up on faith. This is going to be the biggest, hardest test of my faith that I'm ever going to go through."
'I've come close at times to saying "Do you know what, I can't do this anymore. This feels like an episode of the Krypton Factor, I'm trying to find you God in all this and I can't. It feels like you've gone quiet."
'[And yet] he's not left my side - he has not left me.'
He adds: 'At times I've literally been holding on by one finger to my faith. Because that gives the direction for everything else. It was the glue in our marriage, and it helps me in terms of how we and now I bring up Ethan. It's the reference point for my life.'
The interview is part of a Songs of Praise episode focusing on how faith helps cancer patients deal with their illness.
In the same episode Rev Kate Bottley interviews Della Ogunleye, who was motivated by faith and her own experience of breast cancer to start one of the only support groups for women from ethnic minorities affected by cancer.
Songs of Praise: Christianity and Cancer is on Sunday June 3 at 4.15pm on BBC One
