Alcoholism affects families in deep and often invisible ways. It’s not just the drinking itself that hurts – it’s the unpredictability, the emotional distance, the broken promises, and sometimes, the betrayal. For many partners, infidelity becomes part of that story, adding another layer of pain that isn’t often talked about openly in homes, churches or community spaces.
In support communities, a recurring theme is that alcohol and infidelity can feed off each other. Drinking lowers inhibitions, blurs judgement and silences the internal alarms that would normally stop someone crossing a boundary.
Some partners have shared that the same mental justifications used to defend drinking – “I deserve this”, “no-one understands me”, “I’m not doing anything wrong” – get redirected to justify an affair.
Others noticed that the partner encouraging treatment, sobriety or healthier choices becomes seen as the “restrictive” one, while an affair partner (often someone who also drinks heavily) becomes the “easy” one who doesn’t question the behaviour. It doesn’t excuse anything, but it does explain why so many feel blindsided by betrayal on top of addiction.
One man described discovering late-night messages on his partner’s phone while she was passed out after drinking. He said he felt “rage, disgust and utter helplessness” all at once, and that it took “every ounce of willpower” not to throw her out of the house on the spot. He stayed calm for the sake of their children, but admitted that even years later the pain “still hurts” and that the love he once had for her was gone. Sobriety didn’t erase the betrayal – it only gave him more clarity about what he was willing to accept.
What many don’t expect – and few prepare for – is that this pattern doesn’t always stop with sobriety. Infidelity can sometimes arise after an alcoholic gets sober.
Early recovery often brings major identity changes. People in recovery are suddenly confronting emotions they’ve numbed for years. They may seek validation, novelty or emotional intensity as a replacement for alcohol’s dopamine hit. For some, affairs become another form of escape or self-reinvention.
Others discover unmet needs, resentments or disconnection that were buried under years of drinking. Some sober alcoholics pursue new relationships that seem to “fit” their new identity, while partners who endured the drinking may feel discarded, replaced or unappreciated once the crisis has passed.
One person shared that they were grateful their spouse finally got sober, only to realise they no longer recognised their own feelings for them. The romantic bond had been eroded quietly over the drinking years, and sobriety didn’t restore it – it simply exposed the truth.
Within Christian communities, there can also be pressure to “hold it all together” or to forgive before healing has begun. But for many, the emotional impact is profound. Many could rationalise the drinking as an illness, but infidelity – whether during drinking or afterwards – feels like a choice. It leaves people grieving the relationship they thought they had, feeling rage at the betrayal and the lies, and questioning whether staying or leaving makes them the “bad” one.
Perhaps the most painful sentiment for some partners is: “I supported them through addiction, only to be abandoned once they recovered.”
Explaining these patterns does not excuse them. Betrayal is betrayal, and alcoholism doesn’t negate responsibility. But understanding the dynamics can help partners release misplaced guilt and self-blame. It can also help congregations respond with compassion rather than judgement, knowing that these situations are rarely simple and never tidy.
Some couples do rebuild – with accountability, honesty and a willingness to name the harm. Others separate, because the damage from addiction and betrayal runs too deep.
A reminder often shared in support groups: you didn’t cause the addiction, and you can be compassionate without sacrificing yourself. Healing begins with boundaries, support, and the understanding that someone else’s alcohol dependency – and someone else’s affair – is not a reflection of your worth in the eyes of God or anyone else.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” - Proverbs 4:23
If you have been moved by this article, or feel you may need support with addiction-related issues – whether for yourself or a loved one – you may wish to explore the Recovery Course. It is a free 15-week programme (available in person or online) that approaches the 12 steps from a Christian perspective and offers practical insights, guided teaching and community support for those seeking freedom and healing. Many have found renewed hope and lasting recovery through this course.
For more information visit www.therecoverycourse.com. Duncan Williams is outreach director for the Christian Free Press. He previously worked with Son Christian Media in the UK and Recovery Network Radio in the United States. An ordained minister and long-standing member of Christians in Media, he has authored self-help materials and workbooks to assist in healing from trauma and addiction.
