One thing that remains a constant in any and every relationship is conflict. It's nothing to be ashamed of and definitely nothing we need to deny. Every relationship, no matter how healthy and how long-standing, will have conflict at one point or another. But we can have either a healthy or unhealthy attitude towards conflict based on how we handle situations.
The greatest determinant to whether the conflict we face becomes healthy or not is the presence of remorse. When unforgiveness and bitterness come in, they build a wall between us and other people that make conflict resolution difficult. Remorse doesn't help anyone, not even people who hold on to it.
Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."
Remorse may seem like the "natural" reaction, but there is nothing healthy or natural about it. The true way to freedom and healing is to not resort to remorse but to choose Christ's peace.
Here are four tips to getting past unhelpful remorse after conflict.
1. Listen
Listening leads to understanding and understanding creates in us an empathy that causes us to seek love and forgiveness in relationships. When we make an effort to hear out the side of others and see things from their perspective, it brings to light the truth and extinguishes the lies that feed bitterness and remorse.
2. Forgive as Christ Has Forgiven Us
I don't think we'll ever get the full magnitude of the idea of forgiving as "Christ forgave you." (verse 32)
God's forgiveness through Christ extends infinitely to all who put their faith in Christ, and I don't think we can ever forgive the way God forgives us. But in times of conflict, we can extend to a level that we can go past the remorse.
3. Trust in God's Healing Touch
It's actually impossible to beat remorse and unforgiveness on our own. Left to our own hurt, broken and sin-stained hearts, we will always resort to sin and harshness. But through the healing touch of God through the Holy Spirit we can experience God's peace and joy such that we can still choose to love in times of conflict, misunderstanding and relational challenge.
4. Speak and Act in Love
Our speech and actions reflect the content of our hearts. What do they reflect in your case? Do they reflect the love of Christ that overtakes the Christian heart when we let God take control of our whole being or the hurt and bitterness of this world? When we let God's love come into our hearts, it will cause us to speak and act in love even in the midst of relational conflict.
