I'm going to start this by saying I am a Christian. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. And sometimes I say it to myself four or five times a day in order to make myself believe it. Because I put myself in the category of 'Bad Christian' - I get angry with God, quite frequently, I struggle to get myself to church every Sunday and I am a jealous and difficult person.
I get angry because I think my life is unfair. When I was a teenager I was abused. I have a chronic condition which means I am in pain every single second. And I am married to someone who has a terminal (albeit very livable-with-at-the-moment) illness. So yeah, my life is hard. I watch people skipping around without a care in the world (I know those people don't really exist, but in my head they do) and want to yell 'IT'S NOT FAIR' like a tantruming child.
When I heard Stephen Fry speak I thought, yep. I hear you. That's exactly how I feel. How dare you? How dare you give us this world where this kind of stuff happens? Why did you make me the one with the disability when my siblings are fine? Why did you let a man into my life who abused me? Why me?
I also think Stephen Fry has a point when he asks why should we bow down to someone who has done this? Trust me, I know. It's really, really hard to worship a God you are angry with, who you blame for all the bad stuff in your life. Or who you think is punishing you for something you have done wrong.
So how do you reconcile these two sides? How do you reconcile the bad things that happen with this loving, forgiving, incredible God that I hear about at church? Well... if you know the answer perhaps you can tell me?!
But the thing I hold on to is that if I am angry at him then maybe he is actually there. Knowing that is the most important bit. And trying to keep talking... praying or shouting or railing against Him is part of what keeps me being a Christian. However good or bad that is. Maybe I should be attributing the evil in the world to another source, but I find the concept of the devil a difficult one. I see evil as the absence of God and the absence of His light. And I don't want to be caught up in the absence of Him.
So I look at my life to find the light. I have an incredible partner and a wonderful family. I have lovely supportive friends. I have a home. I have a job that I really enjoy. There is so much that is good.
We all have reasons to be angry with God. Even those friends who I think are skipping around haven't got perfect lives. God has not granted anyone an easy ride. Anger is a healthy emotion and I am sure God is used to hearing it.
There have been lots of challenges. There will be more (did I mention the terminal illness and the chronic pain?) but, so far, God has given me the strength to keep on trucking, just about. He knows I am angry but he is the God of infinite patience and love. I know he's waiting for me to come around and realise that the light in my life far outweighs the dark. One day I'll get there.
Ella Lloyd is writing under a pen name. She is a 30-something Christian living in London.
