70 thoughts you have when you walk into a new church

Ah church. The body of Christ.
What a beautiful way to spend a Sunday morning.
I can't wait to be refreshed by the Lord alongside my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
Wait, the service doesn't start till half past?
Oh no, I'm early.
I'm going to have to socialise. This never ends well.
At least it definitely makes up for having slept in last week. And the week before.
I hope there are biscuits.
What if there are no biscuits?
Or the tea's weak.
Oh hello, overly-enthusiastic greeter.
IT'S SO GREAT TO MEET YOU TOO.
I will definitely not be attending any of those 13 church socials you just mentioned.
Although the fondue and roller-blading evening does sound intriguing.
And also a disaster waiting to happen.
Must end this conversation before I get pulled into a rota.
Quick, make some apologetic "need caffeine" gestures.
Made it. That was a close call.
Oh gosh, the tea's not even out yet.
Do do doooo...no one to talk to.
This is awkward.
I'm just going to hover by this handy table of leaflets.
Who IS Jesus? Good question.
Has anyone updated the stock photo database for church magazines since 1994?
Doesn't look like it.
That is a very bold moustache.
Oh thank goodness, the tea's arrived.
One cup please.
Of course I don't mind if it's weak.
I definitely mind.
At least they sprung for chocolate hobnobs.
Right. To mingle.
Try to look approachable and interesting.
...No one's coming over.
That's rude. I am very friendly.
And funny.
These guys are missing out on a very stimulating conversation.
Still no one. This is like like the first day of school all over again.
Whoever invented mingling should be shot.
Why isn't it socially acceptable to stand in the corner and drink my sad tea in silence?
Nope, come on. I'm going to introduce myself to those hip-looking young people over there.
They might be my new best friends.
We'll probably hang out at coffee shops together and read the Word.
This will be the start of something beautiful.
...
Next time, avoid using the word "hip" with quite so much abandon. Also, laughing hysterically.
Plus, I'm not going to try that ice-breaker again.
That didn't go down well.
Oh phew, here come the masses.
Now to find an inconspicuous seat.
This one at the back will do nicely.
No. No I do not want to just "shuffle forwards".
Not even for you, greeter man.
Do you do all the jobs here?
Go and pick on someone who's not new.
I'm just going to settle in next to this absurdly beautiful couple and question my life choices.
A HANDSOME MAN JUST SAT NEXT TO ME.
What if he's the one?
Shall I make a joke about the uncomfortable pews?
Or get my Bible out. That'll make me look holy.
Oh, hi there handsome man's wife.
Obviously.
That's cool, not why I'm here anyway.
Just stopped in for some spiritual food.
Speaking of, surely the service has to start soon?!
Haven't we had enough of this deafening silence?
Oh praise be, the vicar's heading to the front.
He's welcoming the new people. Thanks very much, kind vicar man.
Wait...what? Shine Jesus Shine?
Well, it was nice while it lasted.

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