Marriage and our inaccurate conceptions

Society seems to have constructed a doctrine of “inaccurate conceptions” when it comes to marriage. For example, one of the scenes in the hit movie “Out of Africa” depicts the two leading actors Robert Redford and Meryl Streep sitting on the beach talking. She wants him to marry her. Redford’s response is: “Do you think I’ll love you more because of a piece of paper?” That’s a view of marriage that has become increasingly prevalent. But that comment from the movie completely misses the point of a marriage covenant. Such a covenant never claims to regulate love’s intensity but only its security.

It’s not the only misconception about marriage that has been gaining ground today. Ironically, when much of the media seeks to portray marriage as an outmoded institution, there is now intense lobbying for gay couples to be able to marry. However, in the run-up to National Marriage Week, the Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, gave a timely warning that marriage is a God-given creation, not something for Governments to redefine. In other words, marriage is not a social invention which we can unmake, remake and adapt as we see fit any more than we can change the seasons or the revolving of the planets.

A third misconception of marriage is that it is not the secret to happiness in life. Marriage is made up of both happy and unhappy experiences. The notion that it should always be an idealistically happy experience only fosters the temptation to throw in the towel when unhappy periods come along. I love the cartoon of Andy Capp where the Vicar spots Flo storming out of the house with her suitcase. So he says, “Remember your vows, Flo”. She says, “Hah! I took him for better or worse – he took me for everything”. Of course, marriages never start out that way. They always begin with the best of intentions and with starry-eyed expectations of living happily ever after. And then when reality hits, there dawns the realisation that marriages take perseverance and there are times of real struggle. Marriage is hard work – at least some of the time.

Fourthly, there is the widespread mistaken belief that the love that underpins a marriage is an emotional feeling, and if that romance disappears, then it justifies ending the relationship. The love that the Bible describes is much more an act of the will than a mere feeling. That’s why love is something that can be commanded – “You shall love the Lord your God”. Or as Jesus said, “This is my commandment that you love one another”. It would be a nonsense to command something that is only a feeling, as feelings cannot be generated to order. But the love of which the Bible speaks is a love that can be willed, and can therefore be commanded, and can therefore be promised. Otherwise the vows that are taken in a marriage service would be a nonsense.

And this is precisely the nature of God’s love for us. It’s not a gooey feeling he has towards us. He has chosen to do so as a deliberate, committed act of his will. It’s that which guarantees that God won’t fall out of love with us, because it goes way beyond feelings. That kind of love persists even in the face of rejection or indifference. God loves because he wills to love. And that kind of love is demonstrated in tangible action.

In Africa there is a marriage custom that is largely unfamiliar to people in the West. It’s called the bride price, or lobola. A young man, when he finds a girl he wants to marry, has to pay his future father-in-law a certain number of cows for the daughter’s hand in marriage. Similarly, the Bible not only compares Christ’s relationship with his Church to that of a marriage between husband and wife, but goes further and tells us how much Christ paid for us – the bride price, if you like: “For you know it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ” (1 Peter 1:18-19). Here is a love that goes way beyond that which is popularised in the tabloid magazines.

For those of us who are married, that is hopefully an encouragement and a reality check when it comes to our relationship with our spouse. The story is told of a little boy who reported to his father that in Sunday School class he had learned about the time when Jesus went to a wedding and turned water into wine. His dad then asked him, “So what did you learn from that story?” The boy thought for a moment and answered, “If you’re going to have a wedding, make sure Jesus is there”. That’s pretty good advice. If you want to succeed in marriage, having God in the relationship is the best way to ensure it.

Tony Ward is a Bible teacher and evangelist who was ordained in Zimbabwe. He currently lives and ministers in Bristol