20 things you'll never hear in church

Mmmm...church coffee.Flickr/Bellezza87

1. Look, it's a risk, but if you aren't too worried about botulism, stay for the bring and share lunch.

2. Dearly beloved, I'm going to preach on Leviticus 19:27. I haven't a clue what it means.

3. The heating's not working? Do you know, I didn't notice?

4. Don't be silly, I love it when babies cry during my sermons.

5. I've always thought the Trinity was sort of optional, doctrine-wise.

6. Tell you what: let's just not have any songs this week.

7. What me? Be the church treasurer? AND run the youth group? Oh, thank you, thank you!

8. You know what? At 20 minutes longer that would have been a fine sermon.

9. Pastor, God has told us that we should double your stipend.

10. Mmm...you can't beat a good cup of church coffee. I prefer it to Starbucks'.

11. Remind me again, how does the Lord's Prayer begin?

12. Oh, goody! Another new song to learn.

13. I think we're going to have to tone down the enthusiasm during the action songs, someone's going to put a hip out.

14. The Bible conference is where, pastor? Las Vegas? Sure – I think there's a hotel called Caesar's Palace with reasonable rooms.

15. Now, everyone, calm down and let the Women's Bright Hour Liturgical Dance Group through. You can get their autographs later.

16. The Annual General Meeting is the highlight of my spiritual year.

17. I've always wondered – what do vicars wear under their cassocks?

18. The minister hasn't turned up? Of course, I'd love to preach.

19. If anything, I haven't had enough quiche this year.

20. Sorry, there's no room in the front row – would you mind sitting at the back?

Follow @RevMarkWoods on Twitter.