I wrote Seasons of Sex and Intimacy to help couples nurture sexual desire in marriage and to manage common sexual difficulties. It is specifically aimed at Christian couples, but as most of the information in the book is practical, it would be just as relevant for non-Christian couples or those with another faith.
The book specifically focuses on married couples because I wanted to consider what the wedding vows that we make during our ceremony actually mean in practice - and more specifically what they might mean for our sexual relationship with our spouse.
Historically, the Church has been seen as prudish and anti-sex. Religious teaching on sex has often been overlaid with a sense that sex is shameful. I think for many Christians this attitude has been absorbed through many generations. Sex is also simply not discussed, in both families and churches, and so unconsciously the message is absorbed that it is something to be hidden and certainly not celebrated.
Yet the Church of England marriage service advocates the opposite:
'The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives.'
If we are to really embrace this, we need to understand how we create and enjoy the 'delight and tenderness of sexual union'. What does that mean in real life? As Christians, we perhaps first need to throw off the damaging burden of restriction, shame and sadness with which the Church has saddled us.
There is another danger, however: the world's view of sex can be equally damaging. This suggests sex should always be spontaneous, mutually satisfying and our bodies should always respond as we expect them to. Films would have us believe that if we are not ripping one another's clothes off, having sex in acrobatic positions and climaxing at the same time after little or no foreplay, there is something fundamentally wrong. But this is not realistic, and if we set this up as the gold standard and compare it to our own sex lives, we are going to be disappointed. And it seems that some couples just give up on sex – the evidence shows that even young couples are increasingly living in sexless relationships and are accepting this as the status quo.
As Christian couples, we simply can't do this if we are to fully honour our wedding vows. There is a huge interest in the work of sex therapist Esther Perel, whose research has focused on how we can nurture desire in long term relationships. If there was ever a group that needed to grasp this concept, it is Christians. We have the greatest reason of all to do this: God created sex, it is good and designed to be right at the heart of our commitment to our spouse. We cannot afford to take this lightly. But how do we do this?
We have to be prepared to work at keeping desire alive. Just as the Bible tells us, we have to work at love.
'Work?' I hear you say. 'Sex is the one area I don't want to have to work at! Life is hard work enough - surely sex doesn't have to be too?' But if we want to nurture the flame of desire, we do have to think about it. Forget spontaneity: we have to be intentional, and there is an element of work to this.
Is this going to be harder for Christians than non-Christians? Are Christians worse at sex?
Christian couples come into marriage with varied sexual experiences and expectations. Both individuals may have made a conscious decision to wait until they get married to have sexual intimacy. Or maybe both partners have had sexual relationships in the past and bring this history into their marriage. It may be that one person has been sexually active but the other has not, introducing a different dynamic. Or perhaps both have been sexually active in the past but have chosen to wait until they are married to have sex together.
These varied experiences - as well as our beliefs about sex, shaped by our upbringing, school and church - can make sex more challenging. Good communication is essential. Talking about sex is not easy, especially if we have come from families where it was never discussed, but it is possible. It can feel scary and we make ourselves vulnerable but, if we learn to do it well, good communication will enable us to get our own needs met and to meet those of our partner, not just sexually but in every aspect of our relationship. We need to be able to talk about sex, to understand what our partner wants and enjoys, and so they understand what we want and enjoy. If it is good, we are more likely to keep doing it!
Over the last few years, I have met with a number of couples within my own church community and further afield who are struggling with sexual difficulties. I have not offered them long-term therapy because that would mix my professional and social boundaries, but I have chatted to them as I would with a friend and then we have worked out the best plan of action. Sometimes this has been implementing self-help strategies, or we may have recognised they need more professional help and they have sought therapy.
Many of the couples have said that it would have been incredibly helpful to have had this information early on in their marriage so they could have tackled these problems sooner, and possibly avoided a lot of the heartache that has resulted from emotional distance. Many couples have said they simply didn't know where to seek help and, because their faith was such a central aspect of their life, they wanted a resource that recognised this whilst also offering practical help.
I hope that Seasons of Sex and Intimacy will offer that support to many Christian couples. I also hope that the book will be embraced by non-Christian couples who recognise that perhaps Christians have something interesting to say about sex.
Emma Waring is a nurse and qualified sex and relationship therapist. For more about 'Seasons of Sex and Intimacy' click here.
