How essential is that you and your potential husband or wife are mutually attracted to one another? What about whether or not they share the same faith? And where would you rank the importance of their sexual past?
There is an interesting study circulating on social media that sheds light on the 18 traits that men and women seek in a partner. The study ranks the 18 traits in order of importance according to men and women surveyed in 1939 and then in 2008, revealing some very interesting shifts in attitudes towards chastity, love and faith.
For one thing, men and women in 1939 both ranked chastity 10 out of 18 (with 18 being not important) but by 2008 it had dropped to number 18. The findings aren't surprising, given that pre-marital sex is much more prevalent now than it was in 1939 and the stigma that once surrounded it has all but disappeared outside of religious circles.
It may also shock millenials to learn that "mutual attraction - love" did not top the list for women or men in 1939. Women ranked it only four out of 18, while similarly men gave it a five out of 18. By 2008 love had risen to the highest spot for both men and women, an indication perhaps that our grandparents and great grandparents placed less value on romantic feelings and emotions.
Another interesting find is the shift in religious perspectives. In 1939 it was more important to men and women that they had a common faith with their mate, with women placing "similar religious background" at number 13 on the scale, a figure that fell to number 16 by 2008 (although in both years, men ranked it at number 14).
As Christians, where should we rank chastity, love and religious background?
Well, it's likely that while Christians wouldn't necessarily refrain from marrying someone who's had sex before marriage, sex is seen as a sacred act and therefore it is a much more important issue for Christians than for non-Christians. It's important to build an atmosphere of trust during the dating period so that couples have the chance to be honest with each other about where they've come from and what values they want to base their relationship on going forward. If one side feels there have been compromises in this area, it's reasonable to discuss these and make expectations clear.
In terms of marriage for love, it goes without saying that Christians place a premium on loving the person they are joining with in holy matrimony. But the definition of love and what that means between two people in a relationship differs from non-Christians. God is love and, in the Christian faith, the marriage relationship reflects the beautiful salvation relationship we have with God - it is a love relationship within God's love. But another consideration for Christians is a love for Jesus - He still comes first, and our spouses are not to become idols or something we love more than God. Similarly, the Christian definition of love expands beyond romantic feelings to include things like honour, service, faithfulness and respect.
This shared love for Jesus is what holds a Christ-centered marriage together, so Christians would be far closer to the men and women of 1939 in their desire to marry someone with a similar faith background to them. The desire to marry someone of the same faith isn't just about practicalities, it's an idea that has roots in Scripture. Paul puts it bluntly when he says believers shouldn't be yoked with unbelievers. Most Christians will aspire to marry someone of the same faith because their beliefs are such a significant part of their lives and they want to share their faith life with the person they love. Some things may have changed in the church, but for many Christians, marrying within the faith - and even within their tradition - is a non-negotiable.
