Dearest J and A,
Where does the time go? I can hardly believe that you two are both 16 this year. I can remember clearly being your age with both of your mothers and that seems just like the other day.
However, it was actually a long time ago – 30 years, to be precise. The world is a very different place since your mums and I were 16. We had no 24-hour news, Internet or mobile phones. If we wanted to meet up with friends we would have to pre-arrange a time and a place (normally the cinema or MacDonald's). If they didn't turn up, we had three choices: wait, give up or find a pay phone and call their home (or ours) and see if there was a message from them.
So, what advice can I pass on to you two – my gorgeous goddaughters who have only ever known a 24/7 connected world? I've been dwelling on that for the last few weeks and here are the 10 things I would love to share from my own mistakes and experiences. I hope these are relevant to you (and anyone else) as you make the transition to adulthood.
With my love, your godmother, Sarah x
1. You are more than OK.
At some stage – if you haven't already – you will ask yourself if you are ______ (fill in the blank) enough? What is the blank for you: pretty, thin, clever, popular, funny, sporty, successful, talented or something else?
Behind those questions is a deeper question that we all ask – "Am I OK?" I want you to know that you are not just OK – you are far more than OK. I remember when you were little babies – all cuteness and chubby smiles. You were gorgeous then and you still are. You were "fearfully and wonderfully made" and God did not make any mistakes when made you the way he did.
You are unique. You have your own set of talents, attributes, personality traits, skills, preferences and experiences that will make you different from others. There might be times when you long to be the same as your friend or as someone you admire. But the truth is that being authentically you is much more valuable than being a copy.
You can be the best version of you but you can never be a better version of someone else.
2. Oher people can be trusted.
Sadly, you will already know by now that people can and will let you down and that others can hurt you. You will also probably know that you have the capacity to hurt and let down people too. That is because none of us is perfect.
Don't make the mistake of refusing to trust any one. There are and will be people who you can trust and you can rely on. Maybe not everyone and not all of the time but it is important to find people in your life whom you can really talk to and with whom you can be yourself.
Don't rush into friendships or dating relationships. There is no such thing as an instant connection. Spend time getting to know someone and over time you'll discover whether they keep their word, can be trusted and whether they are generally for you.
Being vulnerable and sharing your hopes, fears, feelings and dreams are important to building connections, but you don't need to share at a deep level with everyone you know or are connected to on social media. Start with small steps and share more as they share with you and you know you can trust each other.
Having said that there will be times when you and your friends get stuff wrong. Forgiveness and apologising will help you make amends. Don't be tempted to write off a friendship at the first mistake. Often by resolving conflict together you can make a relationship even stronger.
3. What you do, does matter.
You have an amazing contribution to make to this world. What you do, does matter (even if there might be days when you doubt that).
There will be people, teams, organisations, friends, family, work-places and causes that will need and appreciate the contribution that only you can make.
You can make a difference every single day. When you connect with people – whether strangers or close friends – do you leave them worse off or better off for having been in your company? Take a moment and think – how can I leave this person better off from having spent time with me?
4. Pursue your passions.
You are likely to make your best contributions when you follow your passions. What are the causes or problems that you want to help fix or solve? What are the things you can do well and easily that others around you struggle to do? What are the things that you love doing and that make your heart sing? Do more of those (as long as they are not illegal, hurtful or bad for you).
There will be plenty of people along the way who will give you their opinion of what they think you should be doing. Listen to their advice by all means but make your own decisions. You are the one living your life – not them.
5. Learn from your mistakes.
Perfectionism can stop you from trying to do the things you want to do. Let go of trying to be perfect. No one is! Aim to do your best but realise that it is OK to get things wrong or make mistakes. In fact you will probably learn your greatest lessons from what doesn't work.
Don't be too hard on yourself. If you mess up, apologise if you need to and then learn what you can from the experience. Pick yourself up and keep on trying to do things better.
6. Sex is amazing and precious.
I don't know what your view of sex is at the point. Perhaps you have seen some graphic images or even had some experience of some kind.
What I want you to know is that God designed sex to be amazing and precious. When you sleep with someone it creates a bond between you – "two become one". Because it is so powerful and so uniting, it works best in the context of a committed relationship where you and your partner are in a relationship of mutual trust and commitment.
My advice would be that before getting physically involved with someone you ask yourself these questions: "Can I totally trust this person? Can I rely on them? Can I be emotionally naked with them? Have we made a commitment to each other?"
It maybe tempting to say 'yes' to boys so that they like you or because it is the in thing to do. But the best thing you can do is to make good and healthy choices. The decisions you make today will impact your future relationships.
7. Learn to say 'no' and 'yes'.
There will be plenty of people who want you to do things that you aren't comfortable doing or don't agree with. The sooner you learn the power of the word 'no' the better! Sometimes, if you want to please people or to be popular, you might feel the pressure to say 'yes' when you really mean 'no'.
Try to learn to trust the still small voice inside and to act on it. If you don't agree with something or feel something is wrong – speak up.
Having said that, there'll also be times when you need to stand up and say 'yes'. There'll be times when it would be good for you to do something – to help someone, to put in the effort or to take a risk. Seize opportunities to do the right thing when they come your way.
8. Be curious.
Building great connections is one of the greatest gifts you can have in life. Invest in your friends and your family. Give your best time, effort and love to those closest to you.
Being curious is a great way to help you thrive in your relationships. Being curious is about seeking to understand those in your life. Too often we compare our insides to other people's outsides. Being curious is about taking the time to discover what someone else is really like on the inside.
To be curious we need to be good listeners. That means listening to people with the aim of wanting to get to know and understand them – even if we don't agree with them. Being curious is about asking questions to discover more about what the world looks like to them.
If you can develop the skill of being curious it will help you in all sorts of situations. It will help stop you taking those closest to you for granted but it will also help you to relate to people you find intimidating or find very different from you. It will help you take the focus off yourself as you put your attention on the other person.
9. Don't believe everything you think or act on everything you feel.
You live in the reality of your thinking. As you think so you feel. The problem is that some of your thoughts are just weird, mad or completely made up! You don't have to take every thought in your head seriously – in fact I really recommend you don't.
What I have learnt the hard way is that when I am feeling very emotional or upset, it is normally because I am taking some thought in my head very seriously. If I am hungry, hormonal or tired, the chances are my emotions and thoughts will be magnified.
If you feel stressed, really upset, confused, angry or overwhelmed it will help to realise that you are feeling your thinking. You might need to sleep or eat or just wait for clarity to return to your thoughts.
I have found that life works much better if I don't have any significant conversations or make any big decisions when I am in the middle of low or insecure thinking. If I wait until I can think clearly I will see the situation very differently and will be able to tune into the still small voice inside and when I do I knows exactly what needs to be done or said.
10. God's love is unconditional.
I've mentioned already how as humans we can and will let each other down and will hurt each other. That's because none of us can love perfectly and we will all get stuff wrong from time to time.
However, God's love is perfect. He knows everything about you and loves you completely. He is totally trustworthy and is always 'for you'.
God's love can fill a hole in you that no other human's love can ever fill.
If you take his hand and walk in his path - your life will be an adventure like no other.
Sarah Abell is a speaker, author and relationships coach. She is the founder of www.nakedhedgehogs.com, a website for those interested in living, loving and leading authentically.
