The 84 thoughts you have during a contemporary worship service


Michelle Jimenez/UnsplashWhat thoughts do we have during contemporary worship?
  1. Are we standing up for this?
  2. He hasn't said 'stand'...
  3. A couple of people are standing up now. I don't think it's enough though, they might be wrong...
  4. Imagine the humiliation if we're not meant to be standing.
  5. Ok we're standing.
  6. I am so excited to worship God this morning. Let's worship!
  7. Oh no, not this song.
  8. No matter. I am not here to be entertained. Worship is a decision.
  9. At least it's quite upbeat.
  10. Gosh, Ian's gone early with the arm-raising. That's a bold move, Ian.
  11. You're on your own, Ian.
  12. Ah, he's realised and is pretending to scratch the back of his head. Smooth.
  13. This isn't so bad I suppose.
  14. Oh no! Don't repeat the verse!
  15. This song is going on forever.
  16. Seriously, if this is what heaven is like, I think I'm going to be spending eternity hiding in the bathroom.
  17. Oh it's over. What's next?
  18. They're segueing... funky key change... drum fill thingy...
  19. YES! Hillsong. Now we're gonna worship.
  20. That's right Paula, you bob your little head.
  21. Do I hear some clapping?
  22. Let's clap!
  23. Oh no, disaster. There are two completely separate clapping rhythms.
  24. I'm not sure if I'm in the correct group.
  25. This is such a metaphor when you think about it.
  26. Thank goodness. No clapping in the chorus.
  27. Oh dear, respite over, back into the verse...
  28. Why haven't the words changed?
  29. Seriously, who's on SongPro duty today? I bet it's one of the young people. This is what 'empowerment' gets you.
  30. Argh this is a disaster. People are just humming.
  31. Thank goodness.
  32. Oh no that's the wrong verse.
  33. Please Lord, if you could come back RIGHT NOW and end this, we'd all appreciate it.
  34. They're wrapping it up. Good move.
  35. Hold up. I think they're improvising now. That's a risk.
  36. Worse! They're asking us to sing out our own praises to God.
  37. I never know what to do at this point.
  38. ...'Mmm'
  39. 'Oh Lord...'
  40. Come on you fool. Think of something worship-y
  41. 'Oh Lord I really... mmm...'
  42. 'I really just... praise you Lord...'
  43. Profound.
  44. Thank goodness that's over.
  45. What's next?
  46. They're going to teach us a new song. Well this is never awkward.
  47. Trying to follow the tune... very quietly and...
  48. Nope, messed it up. I don't think anyone noticed.
  49. This is a terrible song. This will never, ever be popular. I guarantee this is the only time we ever sing this.
  50. Oh the chorus is alright.
  51. Trying again with the verse... no, still not quite following.
  52. Paula's bobbing again.
  53. Yes to this chorus though. This is catchy stuff.
  54. Ooh, nice bridge thingy.
  55. This chorus is amazing! This song is fantastic. This might be my new favourite worship song.
  56. Oh don't do this one now. We were right in the presence of God. Or adding a track to our Spotify playlists at least. This is such a dirge.
  57. Still, worship is not about being entertained. Worship is about God.
  58. Worship is a lifestyle. I think I went to a seminar about that once. They definitely said worship is a lifestyle.
  59. And a threshing floor.
  60. I think.
  61. There was definitely something about threshing floors.
  62. Maybe worship isn't a threshing floor.
  63. What actually IS a threshing floor?
  64. Uh oh - new problem - there's a line coming up about 'falling on to our knees'.
  65. What are we supposed to do with that?
  66. Ian's raised his arms instead.
  67. I'm not going down on my knees unless everyone else does. It's just a figure of speech, right?
  68. We must be near the end of the worship now.
  69. Ouch, that's awkward. They're going for another song, and the pastor's just walked on to stage.
  70. What's he going to do? He's in the corridor of uncertainty now...
  71. Stop playing you fools! The pastor's here!
  72. Nope, they've started the song.
  73. What's he going to do?
  74. He's raising the microphone.
  75. The band's playing an extended intro.
  76. They're getting louder too.
  77. This has turned into a Mexican stand-off.
  78. I am going to have to find another church.
  79. Panic over. He's styling it out.
  80. He's drifting back off the stage...
  81. Oh no, don't dance, man!
  82. Still don't actually know what this song is.
  83. It's '10,000 reasons'! JACKPOT.
  84. 'Bless the Lord oh my soul...'