They can't. Not even a little.
A while back, Pope Francis told religious orders that if they wouldn't help the poor and needy because they were too busy making money off their beautiful properties, they should pay taxes like any other business. Some people cheered. Other people were appalled. People.
But the mainstream media missed the real story: what statues and frescos in great European religious monuments thought of the statement. Classic secularism gone mad.
Well don't you worry. We've got it covered. We sent our intrepid reporter to one of the great shrines of Europe, in Montserrat, Spain, to take their temperature regarding his comments. It was, quite predictably, cold.
1. This shouldery sister with Michael Jackson nose issues, for instance:
Just. Can't. Even.
2. And this guy. Holding his toga together with a soap dish. Do you think he can?
So. Much. No.
3. And then there's plague. Or something. And this guy.
No, not him.
He just cannot with these guys.
4. Ah, well, maybe imparting wisdom to some delightful children will be better...
No, I don't think so.
Stop touching me.
5. Okay but this guy seems alright. Beatific smile. Engaged.
Taking it in his stride. Focused on the work of the...
Nope. My bad. Totes checking his phone.
"Pope Francis is going to reform the Catholic Church." Lol.
6. What has four uncloven hoofs and is so over this right now?
'Bottom of the Pyramid' Sheep.
Guys. Come on. This is unnecessary.
7. Frescoes are way happier than statues. But, then, they're paint just slapped onto wet plaster.
What do they know of consequences? Of pain?
Wooo! Horse party! Everybody having a good time!
Well. Not everybody.
8. And the folks in this fresco? They can mostly not even right now. Obviously.
She. Absolutely. Can. Not.
You people sicken me.
You too, weird guy in the back. Don't think I don't see you. Creeper.
9. Mostly tho, this dragon holding up 'Charity' just can't. Not now. Not ever. Just no.
"Ooh, look, a charity dragon!
Not a cool Game of Thrones dragon. No.
A charity dragon."
I just... Sigh. No.
We'll keep you posted on whether Pope Francis' recent meeting with Kim Davis has angered any other great works of art.
Stay informed, people. Knowledge is power.