Saddleback pastor: Domestic abuse not reason for divorce
by Jennifer Riley, Christian Post
Posted: Sunday, January 11, 2009, 8:57 (GMT)
Physical abuse by a spouse is not a biblical reason for divorce, says a pastor at Saddleback Church in southern California.
Tom Holladay, teaching pastor at the megachurch founded by best-selling author Rick Warren, says the Bible only gives two cases where divorce is acceptable - abandonment and adultery.
“I wish there were a third in Scripture having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse," Holladay said in an audio clip posted on Saddleback Church’s website. "There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, 'If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.'"
Physical abuse, he defined, is someone “literally” beating another person up regularly.
"I don't mean they grab you once. I mean they've made a habit of beating you regularly,” he clarified.
But while Holladay believes divorce is not a biblical option in cases of domestic violence, he strongly recommends the couple to separate. During the separation, the couple should undergo counselling and try to mend the marriage, he said.
“Separation combined with counselling has been proven to provide healing in people’s lives,” the pastor said, noting that his church, Saddleback, offers such a programme.
“There is nowhere in the Bible that says you should put up with abuse,” he emphasised. There is no where that says it is an “attitude of submission to let someone abuse you”, he said.
It is logical to think that divorce will offer an escape from the pain, he said, but contended that in reality it does not. The pain of a broken marriage continues for the rest of a person’s life, he said.
After a divorce, there is an “immediate release” from pain and people can think that freedom and joy are coming back into their life. But in the long term, the pain recurs every time the two former spouses deal with the children or communicate. And even events in a new marriage can trigger painful memories.
Holladay recommends instead of the “short-term solution” of a divorce that will involve long-term pain, people should endure “short-term pain” and find “God’s solution” for “long-term gain”.
The pastor explained that God understands the pain of a difficult marriage. The nation of Israel in the Bible is depicted as the bride of God, but Scripture also expresses in great detail the pain of God as Israel tries to divorce itself from its spiritual husband.
Through the Bible, people can see that God understands the pain of a hurtful marriage and can offer comfort, strength, perspective and wisdom to those also suffering from such a relationship, the pastor said.
“Does God expect us to live with this pain? No,” Holladay stated. “I think he expects us to ask him for wisdom to do the things that would cause the pain to begin to be solved. He says we're one and as Christians, as believers, the Bible says a husband is to sacrifice for his wife and the wife is to respect her husband."
"So if that's not happening," he continued, "I think you have not only the right but also the responsibility to keep pushing for that, to not just settle for the pain."
For those who had a divorce before accepting Christ as their saviour, Holladay said God does not hold them accountable because the person did not know it was wrong. And to those who divorced their spouse after becoming a believer, he said some of them would feel that divorce seemed right at the time but now seems more of a selfish response than anything else. To those people who admit they made the wrong choice, he noted that they should know God forgives sin.
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Added: Thursday, January 15, 2009, 8:56 (GMT)
To an already long list of comments, may I add mine.
While, away from our Lord, 38 years, and myself in worldly lifestyle, we were divorced. I believe, at least in our case, we would not have gone through it if I had remain in faith. I have remained unmarried and she, the same. Duty bound with my renewed love with our Lord, I approached her three times, to reconcile, but each time, for good reason, was left on the "shelf".
Where I work, temptation with women abound, marriage would have been easy.
Finally, I had a dream given me about three months ago. In that dream, a very attractive woman, all that a man could ask for, appeared and I grew desirous to marry her. The Lord appeared by my side and said to me: " It is your right to have her, you were divorced while in the world, BUT look beyond her. ..the blessings I have prepared for you and for others you will touch with your life. Don't K..., don't."
When I immediately awoke, I asked Him why did I have such a dream? Immediately, the response, " Am I not God? Was I not sorely tempted at the cross, with a word, the Roman soldiers would have been annihilated? Was I not shamed, in great pain and distressed? Were there not throngs, enamored, including women, But, I didn't,.. because of you, because of the many, I willingly sacrificed myself. But I didn't."
It hit me like a bolt. I hope this helps. I remain unmarried and serving Him.
kopiong, Jakarta, Indonesia
Added: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 16:07 (GMT)
Two flaws in this for me. The first is that separation without divorce puts a legalistic road block in the way of a future loving marriage. The other is that it assumes that not divorcing is morally right. Not divorcing may mean living apart or together in bitterness, resentment and hatred. It may mean abuse of children by having them living in a hateful atmosphere, and witnessing physical, emotional or verbal violence. Not divorcing may be a greater evil than divorcing, even if neither is technically or smugly 'right'.
Jethro, Dunblane, Scotland
Added: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 8:26 (GMT)
Interesting read - though surely in this day and age where "an excuse is found for anything" then abuse could quite easily be dovetailed into an abandonment argument?
As in one has abandoned the principles of marriage or one has abandoned their love for teh other person and so on.
Stuart, UK
Added: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 4:23 (GMT)
He did say seperate, and get help. He did not say let your spouse hurt you physically. We could yell emotional abuse all day... verbal abuse, and disrepect are all to common. If I went there,(abuses not physical) we would have given up on each other 25 years ago.
Lyd B, Oceanside USA
Added: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 3:32 (GMT)
Spousal abuse IS a form of abandonment. The abusive person has abandoned his marriage vows---vows to love, honor, cherish, to care for that person as he would care for his own body, to live with his wife considerately and respect for her as "the weaker vessel"; Scripturally speaking, to love her as Christ loves the church. Divorce due to spousal abuse is therefore well within Scriptural guidelines.
A pastor\'s wife , Sturgis, USA
Added: Tuesday, January 13, 2009, 0:08 (GMT)
I take it the Pastor has never been abused by is wife before? Mind you, after comments like this, it would be little wonder if she did leave him. This is the attitude and kind of mindset that our soldiers are dieing for to eradicate in Iraq and Afganistan.
Geoffrey Aitchison, Hamilton, Scotland
Added: Monday, January 12, 2009, 18:29 (GMT)
How can we guarantee 360degree repentance,what if your life is been threatened externally with near death scenarios occassioning lethal arms such as gun,poisioning and syringes or regular assault by the law enforcement,Landlords, miscreants and employers of labour?
Marriage ends on earth, soul winning and salvation is the solution to double pain of failed marriage and eternal perdition in hell.
You are free to make decision by inference from my comment.
While i summit that Divorce is a frowing providence, marriage is a burden, celebacy is emotional suffering and smiling. Choose which ever sooth you.
Happy family life
ADEKUNLE ADEGOKE, ogbomoso/lagos/nigeria
