Never ask me to decorate a room. I have the interior design eye of a dead squirrel, and I'd wager even he could pick out better soft furnishings than me. I can't really work out which colours go together; I have no taste in carpets, curtains or kitchens. Any surprise gifts I've ever bought to brighten the home have made a speedy and safe passage to the nearest charity shop. There are plenty of aspects of being a grown human of which I am perfectly able, but when it comes to home decor, I'm frankly a hapless moron.
Thankfully, help is at hand. As ever at moments of desperation, the Christian subculture has come to my rescue, like some novelty Jesus on a white charger named Purpose. I had been unaware until this moment, but it turns out that there is a whole wave of Christian-themed home decor available, from Biblical wall hangings to lighting that is literally a lamp unto my feet. And despite my inability to tell Gothic Stone from Military Grey, I certainly know my Jesus Junk.
So here's an insight into a world that you never knew – or needed to know – existed: faith-based furnishings.
The Bible verse wall sticker
Increasingly popular among parents who are used to having people write on their walls anyway, these scripture snapshots are a great way to ensure you never forget your favourite verse. By far the most popular of these is Jeremiah 29:11, which is odd since that message about God knowing the plans he has for his people were addressed to a specific people at a specific time. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure whether the placement of this particular verse above a bed is an innocent or deliberate act. You decide for yourself.
The divine ornament
Do your shelves look oddly bare? Then let me show you what's missing – a Christ-centered decorative ornament. A whole range is available, from a porcelain figure of the man himself carrying a lamb, to a variety of novelty messiahs in different poses. My favourite by some way is this piece of extraordinarily tacky but theologically-provocative sports memorabilia, featuring the Son of Man teaching two footballing kids how to execute a Cruyff turn.
The secret Christian symbol lampshade
Chuckle to yourself daily as you actually DO hide a lamp under a shade. That's all there is to say about this.
The Christian cushion
Although that phrase sounds like some sort of youth work purity technique, it actually describes a genuine line of merchandise. A whole range of faith-based cushion covers are available, including this one, which presumably gets flipped around every time someone vaguely normal comes round for dinner. Other available cushions include images of the Last Supper, an illustration of the four-point gospel, and of course, a reversible pillow featuring Jesus on one side and God the Father on the other, to change depending on which Testament you're reading.
I promise you this is an actual thing. Have you got a room that could do with brightening up a little bit? Decorating experts suggest that a 'feature wall' is just the ticket, perhaps using a vibrantly-different shade of paint, or perhaps an eye-catching roll of wallpaper. Well there are few things on this earth more eye-catching than this magnificent print of Our Saviour and his woolly friends. Imagine the dinner party conversations! Imagine the daily sense of inspiration! You'd almost certainly no longer have need for a television with this Christian wallpaper installed.
The faith-affirming photo frame
This boy-blue frame (don't worry girls, there's a pink one for you) is a perfect addition to any small child's bedroom, and a great reminder of an eternal truth. There are definitely some photographs which naturally lend themselves to being encased in such a frame: a charming pic of a baby; a toddler on a trike. But more creatively, why not use it to display a picture of your worst enemy, or your President? It's hard to be mad at someone when there's a cute blue bow in the corner of their picture.
The futuristic hologram light (of the world)
Finally, if you're going for the more modern and hi-tech look in your home, look no further than this amazing novelty lamp, which not only provides literal light in the darkness, but reminds you of the more significant theological sense in which this happens. Or if you'd prefer, the manufacturers also make an Iron Man version, which is still quite cool, but a less useful metaphor.
You know that Bible verse about 'as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord' (Joshua 24:15)? Perhaps after reading this list you can ask yourself the difficult question: is your house really pulling its weight? If not - you know what to do. Every house could do with a little more faith-based furnishing.