Sermon of the Year winner: 'God in the dark'

The dark can be a place of sacred stillness where we can put aside our earthly woes and meet the Divine, said Carole Hodgkins.

'Those that walked in darkness have seen a great light.' This quotation from Isaiah 9:2 is a very familiar Bible passage. But what is our understanding of the dark and where does God feature in it?

My understanding of the dark used to be that it was something impenetrable, where nasty things lurked and evil waited to pounce on me. I have always been afraid of the dark; of the black shapes looming from leafy bushes and walking into a dark home before the light is switched on.

The word 'dark' conjures up many different images and scenarios. Dark, as well as being the absence of light, can also imply ignorance; that meaning is obscure, a lack of clarity and that the truth is invisible and mysterious. But it can also be a place of sacred stillness where we can put aside our earthly woes and meet the Divine.

Jesus often rose before dawn and went out in the dark to commune with his heavenly Father. He needed the silence and solitude; as did the mystic, St John of the Cross, who wrote in his poem The Dark Night:  'In the delicious night in privacy; where no-one saw me' and 'Oh night more marvellous than dawn.'

The dark, then, is not a place where God is absent but a sacred place where we can meet him.

We often wrestle with issues in our Christian faith and feel we are searching 'in the dark'. Who hasn't longed for God's loving presence when trouble or tragedy has struck, only to feel bereft and alone? At these times, we are often totally overwhelmed by our own grief, anger, fear or frustration and are unable to recognise the One who walks with us. John 1:5 states, 'The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.'

We describe as 'dark times' those events which include bereavement, such as the loss of a loved one, a job, or a home, as well as anxiety, stress, breakdowns and mental health problems. Nothing is more frightening than losing control when the world becomes a threatening place or an incomprehensible wilderness. Many of us have experienced this at some time or know loved ones or friends who have.

In John 8:12, Jesus said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.' We can believe his statement is true; that when we reach rock bottom, Jesus is the rock on which to hold fast.

God can reach us in many different ways; through dreams and visions; through the Bible and other spiritual writings; through direct thoughts and through his ministers. God still communicates with us today, especially in tragic circumstances.

I'd prayed for 10 years for my daughter to have a new life and in the new millennium – the year 2000 – she received a call on Valentine's Day that a matching liver had been found for her transplant to go ahead.

She went into hospital and all was expected to go well. The next day I opened my Bible at random and it fell open at John 14: 'Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.' It is a comforting Bible passage which I have loved since my teenage years; but as I read on, the remainder of the text was something I chose to ignore: 'My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.'

It was only after my daughter's life support machine was switched off and I'd said my final goodbye did I realise that God had been sending his reassurance not to be troubled or afraid and forewarning me that my daughter would be leaving for her heavenly home which Jesus had promised.

During my last hospital visit to see my daughter, I knelt at the altar in the hospital chapel and wept. I pleaded with God not to take my daughter from me. His answer was immediate and unexpected; not the one I wanted to hear. Gently he whispered to me, 'Say "Thy will be done."' He was asking for my total surrender to his will. I begged him not to ask this of me. God's request was clear and strong – and yes – full of love. 'Say, "Thy will be done,"' God gently asked me again. Although my anguished heart could not agree, a powerful force compelled my lips to whisper the words.

Over the years since then, my journey with God has progressed. Now I feel very blessed as I am learning to surrender to him. I also understand more fully the words of Jesus in Matthew 16:25: 'For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.' So I am beginning to stumble on the simple truth; that by surrendering and losing my life to God I am gaining a fuller life. The darkness of loss has helped me to realise that God in the dark is also God in the light.

Tragic events happen which are out of our control. Ernest Hemingway said: 'The world breaks every one and afterwards many are strong in the broken places.' Many of us can testify to this statement.

Brokenness and subsequent healing is a personal and unique journey. I found much comfort in writing down my thoughts and feelings. One day I was driving along a country lane, when words tumbled into my mind like a shock wave. My soul seemed to leap free and burst into extravagant eloquence about my daughter. I parked the car, grabbed a pen and wrote the words down. I was afraid they would drift away and be lost. Here they are:

You are sending me your joy;
It is cascading down from heaven
And bubbles in my heart
Like a dizzy spell dazzling the darkness.
It is leaping up and down inside,
An effervescent explosion of colour.
It is expanding outwards like a tumultuous wave
Gaining momentum and intensity –
Endless and boundless, without restraint.
I am a droplet in a vast ocean of bliss!

These words sprang from deep within entirely separate from my conscious mind and are evidence to me that the amazing and unexpected can happen. This incident occurred during an ordinary day in the midst of doing ordinary things.

When nearing completion of this sermon, my Word for Today booklet arrived in the post. As I took it from the envelope, it fell open in the middle. There I found a two-page article written by a chief executive, David L'Herroux, about the loss of his 13-month-old son from sudden infant death syndrome.

David L'Herroux, a man of great faith, went to the hospital Chapel of Rest and asked God to give his son back to him. There God spoke to him. These are David's words: 'Very clearly I felt God speak into my spirit. I cannot say for sure if it was an audible voice, but I know God spoke: "He will not come back to you, but you will go to him one day." These same words were spoken by King David in 2 Samuel 12:23 after he lost his own infant son.'

In the days ahead, this grieving father recalls, 'I knew that despite our shock, God was carrying us through the darkest time of our lives. He is the reason for our hope that one day we will see our son again.'

It is important that we share our experiences of how God touches our lives in order to affirm our faith, to provide hope and help us make some sense of our earthly existence.

All the sorrows and joys of humanity are contained in the Old Testament; the dilemmas faced by peasants and kings, and by people of different cultures and beliefs, all of which speak to us today in the turmoil of our careworn world.

When we watch the news on TV, it is only too obvious how much of the dark exists for millions of people and it is in these situations that we struggle to find 'God in the dark'. And to non-Christians who question us on a loving Lord, what answer can we give? For now we see through a glass darkly.

In the New Testament, Jesus brings us hope and reveals to us how much God loves us. He taught us how to find our true selves through him. Romans 8: 31 tells us nothing can separate us from God's love.

Our witness to the love of God in the dark is our own life experience. It might be standing in silent awe under a dark sky observing the stars and the vastness of the universe. Or it might be through surviving dark and painful times. As we grow in our spiritual maturity, we understand more fully that, as it says in Acts 17:18, in him we live and move and have our being.

Each one of us can radiate God's love in the ordinary tasks we undertake every day, whatever that may entail. When we seek Oneness with God, he leads us deeper into his heart so that we can claim with confidence, 'those that walked in darkness have seen a great light.' Amen

Carole Hodgkins is a retired sixth form teacher living in Essex, where she attends her local Anglican church. She has three daughters; her eldest daughter died aged 36 in 2,000, leaving behind two young children. She is divorced and has lived alone for many years.