70 thoughts you have when you walk into a new church
- Ah church. The body of Christ.
- What a beautiful way to spend a Sunday morning.
- I can't wait to be refreshed by the Lord alongside my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
- Wait, the service doesn't start till half past?
- Oh no, I'm early.
- I'm going to have to socialise. This never ends well.
- At least it definitely makes up for having slept in last week. And the week before.
- I hope there are biscuits.
- What if there are no biscuits?
- Or the tea's weak.
- Oh hello, overly-enthusiastic greeter.
- IT'S SO GREAT TO MEET YOU TOO.
- I will definitely not be attending any of those 13 church socials you just mentioned.
- Although the fondue and roller-blading evening does sound intriguing.
- And also a disaster waiting to happen.
- Must end this conversation before I get pulled into a rota.
- Quick, make some apologetic "need caffeine" gestures.
- Made it. That was a close call.
- Oh gosh, the tea's not even out yet.
- Do do doooo...no one to talk to.
- This is awkward.
- I'm just going to hover by this handy table of leaflets.
- Who IS Jesus? Good question.
- Has anyone updated the stock photo database for church magazines since 1994?
- Doesn't look like it.
- That is a very bold moustache.
- Oh thank goodness, the tea's arrived.
- One cup please.
- Of course I don't mind if it's weak.
- I definitely mind.
- At least they sprung for chocolate hobnobs.
- Right. To mingle.
- Try to look approachable and interesting.
- ...No one's coming over.
- That's rude. I am very friendly.
- And funny.
- These guys are missing out on a very stimulating conversation.
- Still no one. This is like like the first day of school all over again.
- Whoever invented mingling should be shot.
- Why isn't it socially acceptable to stand in the corner and drink my sad tea in silence?
- Nope, come on. I'm going to introduce myself to those hip-looking young people over there.
- They might be my new best friends.
- We'll probably hang out at coffee shops together and read the Word.
- This will be the start of something beautiful.
- ...
- Next time, avoid using the word "hip" with quite so much abandon. Also, laughing hysterically.
- Plus, I'm not going to try that ice-breaker again.
- That didn't go down well.
- Oh phew, here come the masses.
- Now to find an inconspicuous seat.
- This one at the back will do nicely.
- No. No I do not want to just "shuffle forwards".
- Not even for you, greeter man.
- Do you do all the jobs here?
- Go and pick on someone who's not new.
- I'm just going to settle in next to this absurdly beautiful couple and question my life choices.
- A HANDSOME MAN JUST SAT NEXT TO ME.
- What if he's the one?
- Shall I make a joke about the uncomfortable pews?
- Or get my Bible out. That'll make me look holy.
- Oh, hi there handsome man's wife.
- Obviously.
- That's cool, not why I'm here anyway.
- Just stopped in for some spiritual food.
- Speaking of, surely the service has to start soon?!
- Haven't we had enough of this deafening silence?
- Oh praise be, the vicar's heading to the front.
- He's welcoming the new people. Thanks very much, kind vicar man.
- Wait...what? Shine Jesus Shine?
- Well, it was nice while it lasted.
